Thankful Thursday: Shears and final destinations...

I know..the imagery is disturbing. I, however, do solemnly assure you that they are mutually exclusive. The images that is. Once they are separated, the message isn't so ominous afterall.

Have a bit of a headache and a residual tiredness, so i shall attempt to make this snappy.Ha!

Shears. One day, the day before yesterday it seems to me, while out on the balcony and randomly pondering God and punishment and Karma and a whole casserole of things, it hit me that another way to look at this (which makes more sense to me and my conscience) is that God doesn't prune you, He prunes your life. Yes i know, the subtlety is major, blink and you miss it. Somewhere in me though, it's not as terrifying when i don't feel attacked. Now i am in no way saying you should tweak your Faith around to pamper you...But i do think this middle-ages Catholic guilt and fire thing is also a bit much in the other direction, if you catch my drift. God, i believe, ultimately works with us, guides us so that we go through the maze that we were put here to go through. Our own customized maze. As i have established in a trillion of my posts, i don't believe God harbours a personal Vendetta against any one of us...which is why this very image of Him pruning me is wonky. It has too many undertones of getting personal in a non-rainbow sort of way. Pruning my life, however, taking out bits i don't need, by force where necessary...well that's a whole other kettle of fish...or tub of ice cream or whatever pleasant things you can think of...As i say, the difference is subtle, but to me, it's there. God prunes my life, He has on several occasions pried out of my relentless grip things i needed to let go of but just could not be reasoned with to. He has dropped in my lap things i wouldn't have thought i needed..He is quite the Gardner in my life all right...But He isn't out to get me...as the other version starts looking when them Zealots have a go at it..i mean really!

On to the second part! Final Destinations (lovely movie too, by the way...a lot of laughs)...So I finished reading Eat, Pray, Love. Towards the end, i was reminded of a quote i came across while still in search of aforementioned book (oh i was dedicated all right). I think i come across things at the exact time i'm supposed to...a Sufi Quote..Hafiz, if i remember correctly: God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot you are standing now...oh wait...or is that from the book?.Hafiz say i! i attribute it to him in any case, like it or not...if you requote, you can go..IceQueen-Hafiz-Gilbery...ha!..anyways...it was the illustration her Bali medicine man gave her...about how he's been to Heaven. He starts off with that bit, about going through 7 levels and how heaven was all bliss and unimaginable beauty and just everything you think it is but to the highest power....and then he says he's been to hell too..but the seven levels on the way there, unlike the ones to Heaven are literraly that- Hell. Unpleasant, unhappy and in summary- you don't wanna go that way. So how's Hell then, Elizabeth asks? Oh..same as Heaven he says. The difference is in the way you get there. You might as well take the happy road.

This, i believe, sums up the way i regard this whole Journey/Tour of life business. You are here, we are all going somewhere when the show is over... No telling that it's not the same place, but that's not for us to worry our pretty heads about. We are here, and only here can we make decisions. Ones that affect us now, and hypothetically later. The later will sort itself out...Even the Bible says not to be anxious about tomorrow...SEE? they knew Amebos will about that want to plot everything plus write God's script and His entrances and exits...i roll my eyes, really...So basically...you choose if you are taking the happy route, or the unhappy one. Final destination unknown, but now highly suspected to be the same for us all...and we'll get asked by Stewie Griffin "what did you learn?" hehe..i crack myself up

I had a tangent thought..but i lost it :( hate when that happens...ah well..bottom line..oh there it is! Machiavelli. Good...now that i have that written down, it ought to keep me on track. This is how my mind works..associations...because when you come down to it, EVERYTHING is interconnected. Best believe it. Ah yes, Machiavelli. How i came to him. Seeing that we just might be the ones setting the rules that govern our individual lives, we are the ones who chose the laws, Karmic or otherwise, by which we are judged/punished...see?connections; what you believe will materialize and be your reality..i am not bonkers, i assure you. This thought sprung on me in the midst of defining my righs and wrongs and trying to monitor and scrutinze my every thought, for example : those shoes are hideous! whoops...am i going to hell now? am i going to fail my test? oh Lord! what will become of me for my impure thoughts? and then i think of all the famous people throughout history who swore by lewd behaviour...those memoirs and letters can make porn stars blush! and at the same time, you have people who swore by chasity...and also didn't get struck down and did not bad for themselves really....Ah yes, Machiavelli...i haven't forgotten that one, whom i misunderstood for a bit...until both he and the bible agreed in my head...Nic says if you are going to be an evil overlord, for crying out loud, BE an evil overlord, and don't pussyfoot about it. Be thorough, be evil, invoke terror in your minions and opposers until they wise up. No slacking...This is if you choose to go that way. If you choose to be a saint,m there are handbooks on that too, but we aren't going there today. Now the bible parallel. Can't remember where, but it says, be hot for God..oh wait..that sounds wrong..okay, have a hot heart, not a lukewarm one in any case, or God will spit you out (really, how do they come up with these things?) See what i mean? it says, choose a path and do that...i guess when you croak you'll find out how that works out...

Personally, i believe in goodness *shrug*, you know..regular, people-liking, non murdering goodness. As for slip ups, they happen, but in no way do they mean you have failed. Know what you are working towards (fingers crossed it involves fields of flowers and not world domination, cuz frankly, that's sooo tired and sad) and do that...

Lol..sometimes, i raise more questions than i find clarity with these things...But questions are good. M. Scott says to question (in a much more eloquent and logically all smartass convincing way, of course), and only when you have questioned and returned to the same general conclusions may you boast of your faith...Works for me...I would like to be understood to some degree, not just terrify people into supplication...Nosiree!..okay so i've gone and typed a minor monograph....

I am thankful for inspiration then! the miracles that happen, eh? i was going to do a paragraph and a half!

I am thankful for God...believe in Him or not, He exists. He is the one thing you cannot mind-bend or positive think away...I'd suggest you got with the program and incorporated Him into your life sharpish...

I am thankful that He gave us delightful puzzle within a puzzle to ponder...We get to live this life, and while doing so...get to wonder about it and try to figure it out...Freud might be right in that little bit that it's all about sex, but that's just one corner of the whole ouzzle...the huge giant picture of it is that we are all wondering the Meaning Of Life..trying to find the Key to the code..except that there are so many...see; on a Tangent..people search for The Truth...which is where we get knocked off course really...in the pursuit of One, when there are so many! ooh this is totally next week's post...there's a Shaw quote, i believe...there are so many ways to live a life...but as for the single right way, it doesn't exist. So with truth....the single, correct, universal one..is a myth...Life is beyond hitting that perfect combo and winning the jackpot..it just doesn't work like that...Right and Wrong, even, are forever debatable. Will go into this next Thursday...but one question..Is Judas to blame? see? not that easy afterall, huh? and if you say yes, i will pelt you with a teacup, for it is my blog and how dare you! Think! :P

I am thankful for my family...

I am thankful for my father...without whom i won't be me...not in any way that i can think of...physically, psychologically.... His mind, his principles...i don't claim to have inherited them verbatim (heavens no! what would we argue about?), but the bulk of the important stuff...yea...even the butterfly effect ones...

I am thankful for my mother...she is...whoa...she is my friend, she is my rock, she is my comforter, she is the one who grounds me, the one who props me up, the one who makes me see that the sky falling down is nothing but a minor problem that will right itself while we plaster on huge smiles and stick our tongues out at it

I am thankful for my sisters...i am not alone. My two widdle darling angels who are growing up wayyy faster than i can process...i keep starting a collection of go-to, default solutions to boy crises...how do i keep them in check? will a frightening mask do? how do i not smother them? so many questions...

I am thankful for my grandparents

I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend...baby, i LOVE YOU!

I am thankful for love

I am thankful for books...*ahem* and my sunshine of a book lady, and i am thankful for awesome books coming in....

I am thankful for friends...real, true ones...those are angels God surrounds you with

I am thankful for smiles and the people who never fail to get them out of me

I am thanfuk for kindness

I am thankful for change...this weather ne...as grateful as i am...Summer please come soon! if only i could Hybernate...

I am thankful for learning...and for new skills not eluding me..anybody need a quick sketch of a skirt?

I am thankful for beauty

I am thankful for art

I am thankful for talented people

I am thankful for intelligence and intelligent people

I am thankful for conscience

I am thankful for thoughtfulness

I am thankful for food

I am thankful for me

I am thankful for my life, and it being just the way it's meant to be..yea, fatalist me..except it's not that simple..but i saw an explanation recently, involved horses called Fate and Free will and you trying to balance them while performing a circus trick

I am thankful for spontaniety

I am thankful for music

I am thankful that he loves me :P

I am thankful for us...i keep saying this..but i am truly blessed..BLESSED i tell you!

I am thankful for humour

I am thankful that i'm so blessed

I am thankful for bloggers and their kindness, really....

I am thankful for indie films...nothing beats an indie film :P

I am thankful for humour! Sophie Kinsella is a riot!

I am thankful for every breath and every waking moment and every thought and and....God...I am thankful that after running around in all the circles people want to...the fact is that we exist. Descartes...i think, therefore i am...this has been my proof of God since i was tiny...the fact that i exist, and i am asking this question...

I am thankful! for things big and small, things obvious and sublime, things earth shattering and things you barely notice...all of it is a blessing..and nothing should be taken for granted or forced to be confined to our ill informed ranking system...really

I am thankful!

Thankful Thursday: Playing by the rules...

You know how it is when you play a video game- Football in my case, and you know nothing, but tap those buttons randomly but with a lot of determination, and hope for the best? Hits are bound to come your way once in a while and you feel pretty smug.

Now think about the people that know exactly what they are doing, and make use of every skill, know where and when to do what, know what resources are available to them and how they ought to be used? yea. Now imagine who's game is going to work...

Sometimes, like right now, i feel this way about the Idea of God. Religions and whatnot are furiously tapping random buttons, occasionally stumbling upon combinations that seem to work and crediting their..dogma? determination? Whereas (i cringe at this word) this combination of actoins would work outside the frame of the given dogma....make sense?

There are rules to the...Universe, if you will. They are beyond any individual religion. They are what they are, and like God, they transcend individual narrowmindedness..This, this higher wisdom then, is what i feel we should be in the pursuit of. Understand that, and play by those rules, knowing what we are doing, instead of taking blind stabs in the dark, hoping to make that killer combo which makes your player do some fantastic finishing move...Mortal Kombat and Tekken memories...:P

I am thankful for life

I am thankful for the simplicity of it

I am thankful for letting go of illusions that hold us down

I am thankful for wisdom

I am thanful for His patience

I am thankful for my boyfriend... i cannot explain with words how wonderful he is

I am thankful for family

I am thankful for the little things

I am thankful that everything is exactly the way it should be...Read: stress over nothing..don't throw tantrums...everything is precisely according to plan

I am thankful for food

I am thankful for eye candy :P

I am thankful that He never leaves me

I am thankful for discipline

I am thankful for my mother

I am thankful for today!!! aii lovely classes ey?

I am thankful for hot water bottles

I am thankful for me

I am thankful for BBM...oh how thankful i am...

I am thankful for sleep

I am thankful for friends

I am thankful for each new day

I am thankful for this glorious weather!!!!!

I am thankful for olive oil :P

I am thankful for good lecturers...which ultimately means good people, right?

I am thankful for diversity

I am thankful for happiness

I am thankful for lotions and potions...the joy showergel can bring!

I am thankful every moment of every day, no matter what i am going through...because nothing can trump the fact that i'm alive, that everything passes, and that i will be happy again. The knowledge of this is more than enough to make you shrug off any unhappiness...

I am thankful for inspiration

I am thankful for everyone that reads this..Tricia...BIG LOVE!

I am thankful for Love...wish it upon everyone...

I am thankful for being in love

I am thankful for Us...some days i still pinch myself...

I am thankful for humour...

I am thankful!

Thankful Thursday: Humanity playing catchup

I am uninspired. I am empty. I am fulfilling a task. It hurts. This is everything unlike the picture in my head. I have pushed Him away out of sheer laziness to the point where i can't even ask for His help. Won't be fair, i don't deserve it. This is an isolated observation of this one part of The Way Things Are, because it's not like we're feuding or anything.

Just that this is not the place where i see myself spiritually, ideally. Apart from an effort, i guess i just need time.. but simultaneously this upsets be because if inspiration comes upon me as a phase independent of my own will, then why should i take blame when it just as independently leaves? Was pondering morality the other day. This complex of things we consider right or wrong and thren spend our lives in guilt and conflict because we fall short of them? Karma is all well and nice, but what if there is no judgement? It is what it is and you face consequences here and now? *sigh* I have no energy...Again i'm at this place, treading water, unsure if the direction i've chosen to swim is the right one afterall...need some conviction before i stop wearing silk with linen...

I am thankful for life

I am thankful for humour

I am thankful for meaning

I am thankful for Family

I am thankful for my boyfriend, for us...We mean the world to me

I am thankful for writers

I am thankful for art, for beauty

I am thankful for kindess

I am thankful for Him

I am thankful for Him making me just the way i am...

I am thankful for my Godmother and V and Eat, Pray, Love

I am thankful for wanting things...the worst feeling in the world next to loneliness is not wanting anything. No dreams, no drive, no aspirations and no hopes...

I am thankful for language

I am thankful that my week is overrr! no uni tomo! whatwhat!

I am thankful for conversations

I am thankful for puns...oh him and i? we could go all night long *straight face*

I am thankful for people who get things the same way...Dr. Dee is an angelface!

I am thankful for....shoesssss!!! Dear Santa...yes, about those Louboutins...

I am thankful for friends

I am thankful for food...grams has finished me today

I am thankful for being thankful

I am thankful for smiles

I am thankful for sleep

I am thankful for baths...like the one i'm about to have

I am thankful for non irritating people

I am thankful for learning.....helllooo sewing!

I am thankful for me nailssss :D they make me happy and A is a darling

I am thankful for uni

I am thankful that he makes me happier than i've ever been

I am thankful that he is perfect in every -ally that you can think of....intellectually, physically...s..i shall leave it to your imaginations...

I am thankful for Him....i am...even if i haven't vibed with Him in a min...i miss Him...

I am Thankful!

Thankful Thursday: Serendipity

I love it when inspiration comes from the most unlikely sources...Was upset today at some point, like really really...Stumbled on Brittney Gray's youtube channel; haven't been on in ages..and hey paradigm shift..good video on peoples attitudes and how it's easy to get desensitized and apathic from media we let affect us, and a whole bunch of things that made me aware of my own apathy in recent times...Plus all that hair stuff just inspires! and when we are inspired...the world is a better place..

I am a stubborn person...typing this is hard..i'm supposed to be learning self control and restraint from all this expressiveness...speaking of which..it's one of the few things i get carried away with..i start out timid..curb here, call it discipline there...and before you know it i'm running a bootcamp on myself...i find myself starting to watch those videos again on Youtube..starting to give food the side eye...i don't want to slip down this road again..but resisting it ends me in that place where i am angry at me for having no control..and on and on and on...

I am thankful for life

I am thankful for love

I am thankful for the little surprises that He puts throughout your day at unexpected moments..serendipity

I am thankful for my boyfriend...each day. all day.

I am thankful for my mother. I am blessed to have been blessed with her...She is everything to my sisters and i. Everything. My life would suck without her.

I am thankful for my friends...they are a lovely bunch, them...

I am thankful for music

I am thankful for inspiration...lol seminar class was productive scribblewise...long story short...do things for you, not grudgingly for "somebody else". See the ways in which whatever you are doing is a plus for YOU before anything else. Call it experience, call it growth, call it learning..like one of my fave verses says..do things as though you were doing them for God and not for man...do it all with a song in your heart..in my case..study not because the lecturer doesn't know the definition and REALLY needs your copied work to make his life better, but because knowledge is everything, and once you have it, nobody can take it away from you...it has added to who you are, and there's no reverse function..this is just one example...There is wisdom in the bible

I am thankful for wisdom

I am thankful for patience

I am thankful for kindness

I am thankful for care... Care is possibly one of the best things one person can show to another

I am thankful for the man that caught me this week...lol...i am thankful for good people..never know the person that might think it's amusing to watch someone hit the floor...bless him plenty

I am thankful for education

I am thankful for self education

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for realness

I am thankful for lady P's parray! lol..we had a blast...and i made some preeety good friends...*hic!...good people are angels...

I am thankful for positivity

I am thankful for being human..not in the sense of two posts ago. I in no way am contradicting that explanation. I mean..being human, being put in these bodies on this earth and thus being able to experience the entire spectrum of sensations, emotions and so forth that comes with this fact..

I am thankful for weather

I am thankful for change

I am thankful for permanence

I am thankful for communication...yay BBM!

I am thankful for our relationship..it's the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me

I am thankful for mornings

I am thankful for sleep

I am thankful for humour

I am thankful for intelligence...nothing beats intelligent conversation from a non-ignorant mouth

I am thankful for the little things

I am thankful for the reasons behind things

I am thankful for chaos

I am thankful for the order we find in the midst of the chaos...or is it the order we create? there is a pattern, thus potential in the chaos...so yea..we find it..it is all inbuilt..we just have to learn to read..like life..all the answers are here..we just have to learn to read..

I am thankful for philosophy

I am thankful for expression..because it's the one thing i am occasionally good at dammit!

I am thankful for tears...a good cry solves a lot of things..

I am thankful for laughter...solves even more things

I am thankful for epiphanies...especially moments when you realize that's it's all BS and all that matters is that you're alive and on the pursuit of something higher than the mediocrity trying to pull you down

I am thankful for empathy

I am thankful for awareness

I am thankful for warmth

I am thankful that he is always there for me...

I am thankful that he is who he is, just the way he is...i love my boyfriend much!

I am thankful for Him..

I am thankful for my relationship with Him..conventional "formulas" and guides to Him work not for me...Which i believe is the most honest conclusion a person can come to. There is no such thing as a mass relationship. You and a multitude cannot be in a committed relationship. Sorry. There are other names for that. Each person is supposed to find God, define God in relation to himself, and only then will there be any truth in whatever you have going. I cannot have a relationship with a person based on hearsay or the way they were/are with someone else. God is not into mass production. It is an individual thing...different people produce different relationships...if you decide that your God is a tyrant..na you sabi...the God in my life created bunnies. yes, bunnies. And kittens..that sort of God is cool like!

Lol which brings me to my favourite place...My God made bunnies. And waterfalls, and forests and skies, and oceans and fields, flowers and me....if one more ignorant dumbass asks "then why does He allow wars?" I will smite them dammit. Oh...so....maybe God should just kill you and live instead of you then? make you into a zombie and control you into not causing the war? cuz you know, last time i checked, God never came down and shot anybody...again people refusing to take responsibility..Ingratitude..all God ever put in this world was beauty...people came, wrecked that, and have the audacity to ask for more...oh and while God is running about living for them, could He for crying out loud give them some freedom? democracy? #God is Great, beer is good...and people are crazy!...crazy! ingrate population. That's one of the original sins...Greed...gimme more, gimme more..even if i haven't learned what ought to be done with that i've been given..just give me everything! On the debate of the original sin, i maintain they are several. Greed is ranked highly.

I am thankful for enlightenment...

I am thankful for people who want to learn, want to grow, put aside prejudice and seek meaning..

I am thankful that i have such people in my life

I am thankful that ignorant people melt into the shadows of my life

I am thankful that i am so thoroughly blessed...even when i don't feel like i've done anything to deserve it...lol especially when i'm undeserving..

I am thankful that He does not abandon me...He must have a plan...for even at the peak of my rebeliousness...He's inspiring me? what gives?

Seriously..i don't think it's clear how blessed i am...it's like the cartoons where trees bend for you to cross rivers and birds bring you three course meals while the stars come down and make you a tiara..THATs how blessed i am...no really...*sigh* nobody gets it...

Now...I am thankful that i started the TTs..because they put these blessings in perspective..it's so easy to take for granted and wallow in self pity and unhappiness...just let the misery grow exponentially...now that is a sin, no? I am thankful for the TTs because i learn and grow with each one i write...while i write...i make them up as i go, see...so until i write...i don't know...i don't know anything...

I am thankful for family

I am thankful for S's messages

I am thankful that S is on my mind last thing every night and first thing before i open my eyes...in its own way, it eases the distance...i know he's there...

I am thankful for dancing :D

I am thankful for meaning. This is no coincidence.

I am thankful for history

I am thankful for logic...

I am thankful....

I am THANKFUL!!!!

Thankful Thursday: Penance

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Thankful Thrusday: Of masks and acceptance...

One of those standby themes that have been lying at the back of my mind. Really quick through it though... Cutting through all the preamble i could write, i'll make this conclusion...we wear masks of ways we think we ought to be, because...it is easier to face rejection of an act than it is to face rejection of yourself. Does that even make sense? It's like, we can say..okay that rejection hurt, but ulitmately it wasn't a rejection of me after i had bared myself to scrutiny...we still feel like ha! me is safe, all protected under all these layers...of whatever it is we wrap ourselves in. Lol..ultimately...we want to be liked...we even lie to ourselves, ignoring things we don't care much for, making arguments for our faults...we want to be liked...so we watch and play out our lives like chess...trying oh so hard to be in control, to be "right"..in who's opinion anyways?

Long story short o!...it is a HUGE step to take that step where you take off your mask before another person, lay belly up like a puppy and hope to God they don't reject who you are...

okaaayyy...ramble over

I am thankful for God....even more when i am messing up...somehow, Him being there when you least deserve it is the greatest proof of....whatever it is it proves. Being "good" and getting rewarded....isn't that what conditional is?!...

Slight detour..while on this issue of God oh...just pondering...people be feelin funky and screaming "we are made in His image"...then following it up with "we are imperfect sinners who fall short of His glory"...so riddle me this...God is imperfect? or we are afterall perfect? and as such straddled with all the responsibility of perfection, and none of this nonsense of "i'm only human"... Humanity is on a mission to refuse responsibility for anything....and when you point out this apparent perfection we ought to have, they tell you Adam sinned and wrecked that...oh...so then you are no longer in anybody's image?... Again Scott makes sense...we are supposed to suck it up and realize that we are headed for perfection, through awareness and discipline..but it's easier to claim human and let God handle that. The Alpha and the Omega...He is the beginning..and we are to evolve to the end...lol...i am rambling..but there is a method to this madness...and personal POV? i've already said i believe the soul that strives to create, to express, to improve...that is the image of God in which anybody is made....

where that came from, i don't know...in bits and pieces, but sense is in there somewhere...

I am thankful for my sisters!!! Happy Birthday Princess today!! heehee she's 14 on the 14th...awon bix skelz! she is a sweetheart and i am blessed to have her...and Angel toooo!!!! would give anything to be with them right about now....

I am thankful for my mom. For the three months we got to spend together, her month here, every moment, all the gisting, chopping, laughing, crying....i am thankful! i am thakful she got home safe...and that i have her....

I am thankful for my father...lol dude be earnin brownie points left and right

I am thankful for uni....it's a formality we must pass....

I am thankful for life

I am thankful that i factually have no problems

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for art

I am thankful for music!!! been shakin my bonbon all day! yay 4shared!

I am thankful for friends!!! like joke like play Dee waltzed into my life...and she is a gift! wallahi..i'm not one to have had bff's and things...but she is special..we GET each other, we see things in the same way, she's a beautiful person, always tryna help somebody and wouldn't hurt a fly..she's beautiful!! Dr. Dee lol! and we can gisttttttttt lol.....love is worrying two of us ^_^

I am thankful for love....in the words of that song..i believe that love will save this world..why can't everybody just listen to Jesus and love?! i am on cloud 9...

I am thankful for S!!!! oh my God am i thankful for S...he is the bestester, he is the kindester, intelligentester, he is the thoughtfulester, sweetester, caringester, cutester, hottester, funniester boyfriend in the universe and i wake up every morning happy as a bird with a french fry because he's in my life...

I am thankful for Love...like...love love...i might have thought i knew what the hell it was before..i've realized my mistake...cuz when you love, when you're in love...there is no mistaking it and it's like nothing else...i Love S...i love that he's my first love...and only and and last....shhhhhhhh *blushing like a madwoman* okayyy!

I am thankful for trust...won't lie..have moments where i get this panic and wonder what on earth it is that he likes about me that he's with me...but then he is...and he chooses to be..that's all that matters...

I am thankful for friends :) Nadiush!!!! Daffi....they know when to call, text, or just be themselves and lift me out of gloominess....Daff...still suspectin her o! na winsh to know when to hola like that!

I am thankful for genuine people

I am thankful for kindness

I am thankful for PDA :P we just don't care_ John Legend talk am o!

I am thankful for poetry

I am thankful for expression

I am thankful for communication

I am thankful for each day

I am thankful for our relationship...each and every day, moment, everything...

I am thankful for blissful coincidences..lol when things just happen on point..like the right song coming on on the radio...

I am thankful for my godmother, for V...i love good people!

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for fooood!

I am thankful for every happy memory i have

I am thankful for the Internet....access to sooo much info!

I am thankful for Knowledge

I am thankful for whatever it is that guides us in this search for knowledge....the slightly freaky way in which i read and watch things and exactly the right time i need to..like...a book will lie about for literal years....and then something moves me to read it, even if i've never gotten past the first page before, then i happen to watch a movie/doc..which wouldn't have made sense without the book and so forth...

I am thankful for the grandparents....i dunno how to hold a grudge..i don't know how! :'(

I am thankful for when time goes by fast...and then slows down..according to my needs, you know...

I am thankful for the little things

I am thankful for my boyfriend o! every moment of every day....think about him and BAM! i am delirious and smiling and it's butterflies and and....lol God looked at me...and decided to stone me blessing....

I am thankful for the cafe lady at my uni!!! she's delightful! and oh so kind ^_^

I am thankful for languages

I am thankful for honesty and openneness

I am thankful!!!!!!!

Thankful Thursday: it doesn't really matter...

The irony. I am sitting cross legged on the bed, roughly three meters away from my laptop- and pecking away at this thing. The mommy is watching a Russian detective series- Trace. I am listening to it and giggling at wisecracks and the quintessentially "Russkiy" humour... I cannot interrupt, but I feel the Rene Zellwegger eyes coming on...oh sweet sleep! But I have a commitment to this blog. Every Thursday. Due to what in retrospect might be a tad too much sensitivity, I have next to nothing to say this week. The theme that has been in my head since I wrote the last one, I deem passable. *shrugs and such* in summary, my reasons for wanting children are Nietszche/Zarathustra approved :p...*rubs hands in glee* oh the plans I have...end rant.

I am thankful for life

I am thankful for God

I am thankful for my sisters

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for intelligence

I am thankful for wisdom

I am thankful for understanding

I am thankful for being understood

I am thankful for love

I am thankful for care

I am thankful for attention..it's always the little things...grand gestures...those are easy. They make up in exaggeration what they lack in care.

I am thankful for Art.

I am thankful that there is so much more than meets the eye, always something to discover, to learn..

I am thankful for humour..this show is cracking me up!

I am thankful for patience

I am thankful for that woman that saved me...omo it's easy to create trouble o!

I am thankful for creation

I am thankful for words

I am thankful for my mother

I am thankful for S.

I am thankful for my godmother

I am thankful that I'm resistanter to Nico...ha! Can't work his charm anymore...I keep praying

I am thankful for prayer

I am thankful (and awed, quite frankly) for the way everything is interconnected...

I am thankful for simple joys...

I am thankful for food :D

I am thankful for nature

I am thankful that phases pass

I am thankful....

Thankful Thursday: Thankful for life, here and now...

While on that Zarathustra thing, after my innitial "what is this joker on about", it came to me, an epiphany, that he was making sense. Like the sufi poem i have somewhere here about believing in/worshipping God for who He is and nothing else, Nietszche says to live, and celebrate THIS life, the one you are currently living.

Instead of bemoaning your existence and being a "preacher of death", alive only because you are waiting to die. It hit me that this just may be the peak of ingratitude. Deeming this life "hell" and "suffering" and all these other tragic things, then resolving to endure it until death comes to relieve you and reward you with Heaven. Newsflash: bullshit.

Life, as a wonderful quote i saw somewhere, is a journey, an experience you are let in on to learn a thing or two. To make like a donkey and decide that God has A. Made a mistake or B. is punishin you because He likes to see you suffer is the beginning of the pointlessness of a life. It is individuals deciding that God has constructed a pointless stage in their existence, one which must be endured because we are Big People, and so suffer it with all righteousness so as not to hurt His feelings...#comeoffit and wake up!

We are to learn to work in harmony with The Universe, if you will. Out of the seeming chaos, we are supposed to find the rules and create order. This is what i believe. Thus, to fold your arms like that foolish servant with his buried Talent and wait for life to be over is the most blasphemous thing a person can do. Heaven is all well and nice, but to everything its time and place. Do not leave the gift that is given to you today to be killing yourself with desire over what is not to be opened just right now. The time to die will come; but for now, live. Live every moment and partake in this; here and now. The experiences of this earth, body, mind and soul. God did not make a mistake, and no, He is not confused about anything. #mytwocents

I am thankful for Life. Here, now, and just the way it is.

I am thankful for God and the magic He puts into everyday for me

I am thankful for miracles, large and small...just because it doesn't defy nature doesn't make it obsolete as a miracle

I am thankful for my sisters...Princess called me today just when i needed it most and heard me out and spun her wisdom. She is awesome!!! so little, yet so wise...and my widdle Angel...is the most thoughtful, loving, caring human being ever! so tiny, so gattdemn wise beyond her years, and so selfless....she humbles me, that one...

I am thankful for wisdom!!!

I am thankful for books....i am amassing quite the library...so many books, so little time!

I am thankful for uni..even if i am not head over heels...it isn't unpleasant...there are the sweetest people, my dean is a comedian...and i have Dashka, Vika...and the cafe!!!! whootwhoot!

I am thankful for my friends...lol plus including the ones i've never even met...dunno what i would have done on laptop buying day without Mikey...he doesn't even believe in God..ironic :P i am thankful for strangers who were sweet as pie and twice as helpful...

I am thankful for my new lappy!!!! you sexy Dell you!...i shall name her Delliah....yes...Delliah..pronounced as your conventional Delia, of course...hehe...When you are told not to fight His Will ehn....i was all depressed over the death of the other one...and out of its Acer-ish ashes came Delliah...

I am thankful for every situation. For as we have seen, despite it looking like hell has broken loose and is running amock, there is a silver lining...we are just too short sighted to see, and are probably staring hard in the wrong direction anyways....What we think we want, and what we really need are parallel concepts

I am thankful for languages....best form of expression yo!

I am thankful for Art

I am thankful for kindness....kind people..people without motives...people with motives suck. People that only see "contacts" and not "people"...lol maybe sometimes i sound naive...

I am thankful for my mother....she is my superwoman. Everything about being a good person, she taught me without words...

I am thankful for my father....aiii the stories my sisters tell me ehn! He is the sweetest person ever! He cooks for them! lol...plus all those thoughtful stunts he knows how to pull that leave you with nothin buh love for him...i wanna go homeeee!!!!

I am thankful for my grandparents....Gramps is a clown...and Grams...deep down she cares...lol.sweetest lady ever...5 minutes each day...lol i joke!

I am thankful for everybody who has ever patiently listened to me rant, patiently oohed and ahhd where necessary, and then given me real observations, critisisms, corrections, compassion, and pats on the back as necessary...lets not leave out the "follow me to biach" about it part...

I am thankful for care, attention, sensitivity...lol i bruise easy....shhh!

I am thankful for Love

I am thankful for Loving

I am thankful for S <3

I am thankful for Us

I am thankful to Him for somehow, like kaboom and i didn't see that coming, making Us to happen....lol we were never meant to be, baby, we just happened

I am thankful for the awesomeness that is the coincidence of how our birthdays are :P

I am thankful for how happy i am with him...everytime i think about it i'm all lit up and warm and fuzzy

I am thankful for memories...poor substitute for flesh and blood...but right now i'm a begger...i am not about to start choosing!

I am thankful for jokes

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for prayer

I am thankful for enlightenment, nudges, epiphanies

I am thankful for communication...an art we are forever learning, perfecting...e no easy o!

I am thankful for Grace

I am thankful for discipline...seeeee i am typing this...instead of snoring in one corner! :P and and i did my homework...all one million pages of handwritten script...

I am thankful for er...overcoming...we have issues that bother us...but they are challenges that build us...so with tears o, sweat o...we go through them and emerge stronger individuals..lol i'm still fighting my own o!

I am thankful for music

I am thankful for rain...nothing lie the air after it rains..the smell, the...feel? ^_^

I am thankful for hot showers..which i need STAT!

I am thankful for my bed

I am thankful that i am blessed beyond words

I am thankful for forgiveness, for Understanding, and how God never lets me go...even after my misguided hiatuses

I am thankful that....with each passing day, Nico becomes more of a stranger, and i do not delude myself that comfort is to be found with him..lol liar! all "i'm relaxin, i'm relaxing"and after you give in you feel like shit....ahhh, #nothankyou!

I am thankful for blogs. I am thankful that i started this blog. You have no idea how much it puts things in perspective for me....cuz more than half the time we live on automatic, autopilot, don't make the time to think, to evaluate ourselves...not on a weekly basis we don't....so this..this is good...

I am thankful for everything and everyone that have made me who i am today, played their role. No need to mourn losses...like actors, these things have said their lines, and exited; stage left...teehee puncity!

I am thankful for each new day

I am thankful for my baybay...have i said this? :P i am thankful for messages and talkin on the phone...

I am thankful!!!

Thankful Thursday: and some days, i wake up numb...

It is not so much about speaking out as it is about being heard,not so much about being heard as it is about being understood.

Today I woke up and admitted that the matter with me these past two days has been the fact that I am numb. And so the analyst in me kicks in. I believe in figuring out the cause, and dealing with that.

Been trying to be all Zen, see, containing my emotions; because frankly some of them might be unnecessary, or so I've decided. To just mature into that overnight is impossible, and yet I want to attempt this feat. In order, then, to contain anger, irritation and a host of other preferably not-present emotions, my psyche has decided to go numb. Like letting go of, or trying to let go of the need to be understood by second or third or fourth parties, and being comfortable with the idea that I should be the one to understand myself and that should be okay. Rejection of the desire to act out on these emotions.

This, apparently is the only solution I can come up with while my mind comes up with a wiser solution..that's my take on it anyhow... Still on that Buddha thing...our desires are the things that torment us by not being satisfied. Solution is to reject them, no? No desire, no anxiety. Let go of anything that makes you a slave to its whims..if you're not in control of a want or emotion, it is controlling you. Simplicity. Lol..I even woke up to James 1:14? Where it says each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire..sin being very a very subjective and multi faced concept.. Yes, I do realize the pessimistic note..it's just me finding a bit of realism and peace of mind...cuz if I let all my thoughts and emotions run rampant, na crase me plus errybody around me go crase. Indiscipline is not the essence of freedom, it is one of chaos...nobody said growth was a process without pain. Lol all this soul baring sef..need to curb yo!

On to the thankfulness!

I am thankful for today!!! It ias been a productive day in almost. Every way :D

I am thankful for my mom...I love her scatter! I am thankful that she's fine..

I am thankful that my mommy was in good hands..I am thankful for the shweedieheart doc that lemme know she good :D

I am thankful for all the helpful people in uniform that helped me today...darlings!

I am thankful for Me

I am thankful for lessons learned

I am thankful for growth..I am not where I was last week

I am thankful for God and His presence in my life...He is patient meyn...cuz half the time I'm an oaf :(

I am thankful for love. It makes you find reason in everything, it gives you strength you didn't know you had...it totally rebuilds your paradigm in many places...caring for someone trulydeeplymadly is..an amazing thing

I am thankful for those *coincidentally* spot on devos and bible passages that turn up when I need them most

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for friends...I have some pretty good ones I've been blessed with, no lie..lol mostly the coincidental ones sef..,

I am thankful for food!! Mm ice cream!

I am thankful that today was a day off

I am thankful for the weather ^_^

I am thankful for my sisters...oh how I love them! Beautiful widdle human beings!

I am thankful for books!!! Me and Neitszche next...oh it's on like donkey kong!

I am thankful for inspiration

I am thankful for every single person who spreads positivity

I am thankful for blogs

I am thankful for Jon Acuff

I am thankful for my grandparents...won't lie..it's not easy some times..make a girl eye the distance between the balcony and the asphalt...

I am thankful for care, attention, the little things..wallahi you can't bully somebody into saying the right things at the right time..

I am thankful for my baybay!!! My baby is sooooo amazing :D I love him...and that's the way it is..

I am thankful for communication

I am thankful for BBM ohhh!

I am thankful for ballet...oh so beautiful!

I am thankful for him being there and being patient with my weirdness

I am thankful for Understanding and Wisdom...

I am thankful that everything happens for a reason..one we couldn't script and yet are awed by..

I am thankful for prayer

I am thankful for faith and belief..you hear it all the time, positive thinkin sef...believing in a thing gives it power. Kabisa!

I am thankful for fun girly things

I am thankful for ridiculous sales...er 40€ to 7€...nope, bo questions, just ring that up right quick..suckassss! Chucks dey go out of season/fashion? Teehee

I am thankful for the high you get when you accomplish something

I am thankful for nature

I am thankful for everybody that has ever said a prayer for me...may them blessings return to them tenfold!

I am thankful for trust..won't even lie..it's humbling to be confided in
Cuz this trust kiniko is not easy..there are layers and forms of it :p

I am thankful for Dee and Miz P and madam R :p wonderful women!

I am thankful for my hair iron..kai..this straight hair is a maintenance delight!

I am thankful for new chances and the opportunity to right wrongs

I am thankful for art

I am thankful for words

I am thankful for being understood, even if not all the ti by everyone in the way I mean..asking for that would be being greedy

I am thankful for philosophies and religions and the wealth of info they've passed down through time..

I am thankful for Philosophy

I am thankful for that psych chick..omdaze angelperson!!

I am thankful that I am so thoroughly blessed

I am thankful that he loves me...for reasons that I can't quite figure out, to be honest..but I'm not asking too many questions :p

I am thankful for expression

I am thankful for my budding er..dalliance with Zen..it has helped in a few places..I think..

I am thankful for crying...made me feel proper better numerous times!

I am even thankful for the blues...happy moods never produced good poems..er.."Tortured artist"? There ya go! Pain!

I am thankful for honesty and vulnerability...without which you're not living..read on a blog today that most people would rather avoid hurt/pain and lead miserable lives, than risk experiencing hurt in the course of living life to the fullest...know the theory..fighting it..

I am thankful!!!!!

Thankful Thursday: vulnerability and honesty and growth...and their synonyms

This is the post that might have been last week's post..but as these things tend to happen in my life, is absolutely perfect as today's post instead.
First time this occoured to me, it was about prayer, but as I've seen, it applies wherever you have a relationship that you'd like to see grow with time; be it with God or your superamazing boyfriend..but I digress.. It is allowed, be vulnerable, be open, be honest with God; He knows everything anyway as it is..so no fears in being totally you, without trying to say what's "right" in your prayer. You need help, you need a solution. You don't go to your doctor and lie about symptoms out of politeness. It defeats the purpose. You know you'll feel fake telling your drinkig buddy you teetotal..how much more where it concerns God that knows it all even where you don't? Be there forming holypass cuz you're praying...#comeoffit and open your heart up, be vulnerable, be scrutinizable(?!) and only through that can you find healing and genuine growth... God will keep your secret if that's the concern. :P

Thing is, judging by me, seeing as I'm the only one who's views I can attempt to honestly communicate, we tend to feel a pressure to conform to certain standards of what is "normal" or "accepted" and I don't even mean in the eyes of society, but in our own. We have ideas of the principles that form who we are, and when we sense ourselves being contrary to that, a certain panic and/or disappointment fills us..at least that's what it looks like from where I was standing. And then you come to where you can't even pray about this/talk about it, because you're too bothered being politically correct and trying to be the person that you've decided you ought to be, attempting all the while to ignore real issues with you..thus avoiding confrontation and in essense..growth and progress..lol too much of the road less travelled..don't even know to what degree I'm making sense..bottom like is this though. If you have a problem, address it without trying to be politically correct. If they care, lol as God does, it would only be a stepping stone that takes you past that problem, and won't be a problem in itself..this is the lesson I'm slowly learning..baby steps...and so in prayer, which is just about the most intimate thing you can do, let yourself go and be honest..lol I've caught myself praying "the right things" with resentment, instead of letting it rip what is eating at me, and THEN praying the right thing with a cleared conscience.. God is not giving awards for best behaved.. He fixes the broken, so we can like to chill and top being "strong" in front of Him..you are only standing in your own way..enhen..so rant over :p lol I totally had two parallel things in mind there..and somehow they are the same thing..

I am thankful for S. I am thankful that he is patient with me, reasurring me so forth when a "stop acting crazy" is due...

I am thankful that God gave us each other... Serendipity

I am thankful for God...and that somehow, without any particular encouragement, He is a big part of my life..nobody has ever forced God on me, and quite matter of factly the attempt makes me run in the opposite direction..

I am thankful for uni..I have little to complain about..

I am thankful for communication, love, trust, care..

I am thankful for love..it humbles me..cuz it isn't something you can buy or earn or bully out of another person..it is something they choose to give you..and that..that is quite something

I am thankful for my family...I dread my mom leaving..hating to be pessimistic, I already have nightmares of where I might sink to when she leaves :(

I am thankful for my friends...

I am thankful for the little things

I am thankful for all the sweethearts that gave me their seats on the bus this week :P high heels toh behd!

I am thankful for nice things people do.. God shud bless Bogdan plenty for giving me his old lecture notes!

I am thankful for the lessons I learn each day. Often from the most unexpected situations. Have times when I go to Notes and stare at notes I've made in bewilderment..cuz sometimes they are pure inspiration..

I am thankful for, and continuously pray for growth..there's nowhere to go but up and ahead and to improvement abi? :D

I am thankful for S...lol one day I might have to cut the crap and just copy and paste that phrase until blogger protests...and even then it would be small..still dunno what where how..buh I guess that's the thing about blessing..you don't earn them; they are given to you with Grace..

I am thankful for jokes..I am a living, breathing innuendo machine :P

I am thankful for prayer..ish will keep you grounded!

I am thankful for wisdom. Plus the one flying about and occasionally penetrating out thick skulls, plus the ones passed in written works through the generations...when you see wisdom..well..you just know, no?

Again I am thankful for the little thngs, the intangible things. It is everywhere that they are the best things..and yet people are still looking to literal things to bring them happiness..I..pity people who suffer from that. When it comes down to it, happiness is a personal decision, unrelated to, or not reliant on external factors, cuz those atre forever changing, leaving, reducing, evolving and so forth. Buddha said life is suffering and that our desires are the cause of our suffering. The bible says to not chase, or give ultimate importance to superficial things..and dear Socrates said there are so many things in this life he doesn't need...I see wisdom in all three...are the things we think we want truly the things that bring us joy? Like love, true happiness is not an emotion, because it is always there..even when you're sad..sadness here being the emotion that comes and goes, where happiness is a state of being..if that makes any sense..

I am thankful for inspiration

I am thankful for God keeping me away from things I don't need..lol..me sef I'm shocked

I am thankful for understanding

I am thankful for the discipline? Love? That is making me write this even if sleep dey catch me and thumbs dey kill me..

I am thankful for gbagaunmopol on twitter.. And D for sending me there..I had a Good laugh. All affiliations, or insinuations concerning twitter end here :P

I am thankful for music :P

I am thankful for the way prayer, a lot of the time will create a calm in the middle of my storms

I am thankful!! Cuz no matter how many things go wrong, make me cry, hurt or frustrate me, the things I have to be thankful about are still more..

I am thankful for nature..plants, air, flowers..WATER!

I am thankful that He has a plan. Now my prayer is not to do anything to mess with t.. He has gotten me here somehow..I trust tha He is capable :P Banky ref!

I am thankful for my boyfriend..words won't begin to do justice to what a wnderful person you are and hw blessed I am to have you...

I am thankful that my baybay is all intelligent..he needs to bemmto counter my blondeness :P

I am thankful that I am so absolutely positively totally blessed...still wondering what the big idea is..

I am thankful...

Thankful Thursday: Reasons why...

So this week has been good to me in the places that matter... The content of this TT has been on my mind rather a lot..which is part of the fun stuff :P seeing as they usually turn out from pure improv. I think that this situation is what would make me talk about certain decisions I've made, because they are totally connected to each other, imho. If anyone is curious, the other subject was about God and honesty and vulnerability, and it was also all doublespeak, cuz it applies to any relationship you're in..the serious ones o! Nobody said you should go and be all vulnerable with random idiots who couldn't care less..
Now, this one is a short post thingy..all illustration. The commonest answer you get when you ask why people drink or smoke, especially when linked to stress is that they want to relax. Probe further and you realize that this relaxation is reached by the numbing of the mind, the "not thinking" thing that kicks in, that temporary memory loss. I won't lie, a lot of the time it feels just like what the doctor prescribed. But I'm talking about me, and this, long term. My week has been good because I've..I'm giving up ish (I'm only human) and I refuse to call it a coincidence that I've been thinking more..my notepads, electronic and regular are filled with scribbles, ideas, inspiration..I haven't had that in ages and missed it terribly..it just might be part of the huge void that has been haunting me. Have a whole other post on doing what's right, but I will say this. We set our priorities, we mark out what is important to us..and then we discipline ourselves to do our part in maintaining/getting it. You are not always going to be thrilled about it, it will be a lot of work, but you know that the end result is worth more than the temporary delusions you think you need at the moment. I apply this to my writing/thinking now, but you can fit it in anywhere really... Diet, exercise, relationship, friendship. Things worth having require commitment, work and nurturing.. Lol when the craving hits,go back and remind yourself why you have chose
n to not give in, think about it, and make that commitment all over again...lol this is largely a motivational talk for yours truly..but it's true, no?
So that's my own reason. My personal growth, which is impossible with a numbed mind, is more important than "not thinking"..time to stop being a wuss and face growing pains. Not claiming this is a universal one-rule-fits-all decison to make... But I have thought about me and this is the conclusion I have reached...lol this week proof much? Me I like enlightenment o! #refuseToCallItACcoincidence...

Now on to the thankfulness...

I am thankful for God, whatever form you choose to have Him. He Is and for that I am thankful..

I am thankful for The Road Less Travelled and Scott Peck and Marc and Angel's blog, which made me get over my initial foolishness, go back, and get the book. It is amazing! Giving me insight in places where I only had vague assumptions, putting things into logic sequences... And most of all, I am thankful for how that book will make you see yourself from the side and make you grow..

I am thankful for books..still giddy over my last haul.

I am thankful for family.. It's all too easy to fall into taking them for granted. #workonthat.

I am thankful for this..whatever this change that is happening with me is.

I am thankful for inspiration, understanding, things that suddenly dawn on you.

I am thankful for music... Shake ya bonBon Ricky Martin style will many times out of the whole amount lift your spirits

I am thankful for laughter and kindness

I am thankful for trust..without it... Well, without it there is nothing. Nowhere. Chaos!

I am thankful I passed all my exams last semester..hunting down lecturers doesn't look like much fun

Ooh...just remembered that my daily devo's have been illustrating those "dude sells all he has to buy field cuz treasure there is stupendous"...well..pretty much the same sacrifice thing... Give up a little to get a lot more AND better quality..#detourover
I am thankful for communication.. Even if I still have a lot of work to do there... :)
I am thankful for my boyfriend ( I quite like the way tat sounds :P) and us and every single moment since we "met" lol... I am thankful

I am thankful that S is there... Gives me this constan happiness underneath whatever I may be going through...

I am thankful for God's plans...reflecting, everything is just the way it is, so even when we don't understand right away, instead of being angry or distraught, let us be thankful before time, knowing that in a little bit, it will all make perfect sense..

I am thankful for BBM!!!! Lol I stick my tongue out at distance...I get to talk to my baby all day :P

I am thankful for the lessons we learn each day

I am thankful for the strive to perfect..yourself, your art, whatever it is, you can always do more. Not out of superficiality, but to reach the potential you are meant to.

I am thankful for life.

I am thankful for memoried...I for don crase...lol they are on replay in my mind.. Me, him..couch, tv :P

I am thankful for love.. Have I said thid already? All versions of it..but espeecially the sort that is real, true, unconditional, unaffected by the weather or your mood, or quite frankly, the acting out of the person/people you love.. Love is patient, love is kind, love is a conscious decision, even if it may er.. Come upon you suddenly. At some point you acknowledge it,and choose to keep it, go along with it.. and that makes it a decision..so you stick whatever out for the same reasons I have all up and through this post. Everything that is not what you've marked out to be of importance is dispensable and inconsequential and can be given up for the sake of the bigger picture..

I am thankful for prezzies ^_^

I am thankful for learning to be comfortable in my own skin andd offering no apologies for not conforming
.I am thankful for prayer..ish helps me meyn.

I am thankful for a whole lot more... But #handsnumb and #thumbsdead

Ooh ooh... Did I say I was thankful for S? He's the bestest...I am thankful for my blessings :D

Thankful Thursday: For everything...

I am thankful for everything that is true to my reality right now. Why the sentence before this one sounds so weird, i do not know. Basically, what i am trying to say is that i am thankful for everything in my life right now; direct and indirect...say..i am thankful that i woke up this morning...and i am also thankful for my classmates who did and got to uni in one piece and with whom i sat in the cafe with..I am thankful that the circumstances in their life are just so today, that they made the conversations we had just so..make sense? lol

Last night, my laptop stopped coming on. The green light would come up all right..but it just wouldn't come on. I left it...This morning i tried again..same story...My defensive Zen attitude came on and i refused to waste emotions on it....bothered the hell out of me all day..(see i don't like when all these little things just go wrong..) i prayed about it oh...as a counter reaction to the urge to cuss it out...Yes, cuz i've been trying to get on that God thing in recent times...but we will get to it...this n that..got home and decided to try again...over and over again i poke this button...take out battery, turn off, turn on, and it won't come on. I felt the tears building up...started getting...hurt...won't even call it angry..cuz i was all like...oh so what is this punishment for...at which point the thought occoured to me that maybe it isn't a punishment at all..but a test? See very close to the time when it eventually started working, i considered going out to the store to get something. I was this close :puts index finger and thumb really close together: you know..all oh eff it, victim me, life unfair...but then i didn't go...and i prayed again, full ready to burst into tears (i realize how dramatic this sounds..but i'm a girl and these times come around)....and then i absent mindedly poked the button..and voila! it came on! to say i was happy is an understatement...

Like am o, no like am o..my own interpretation of it is that i passed my test :P yay me!

I am thankful for today. From start to finish. Everything that happens to us plays a role in making us the people we ought to be.

I am thankful for my classmates; the "i'm not a great big attitude problem riddled person" ones..they aren't as many as the latter...but they mean significantly more

I am thankful for some lecturers shaaa!..cool peoplez :D....ooh thankful for the one my mom and i bumped into...that wonderful woman taught me Ukrainian with a Harry Potter book...bless her meyn!

I am thankful for every single baked good that comes out of the kitchen at my uni erryday... you go fear how many people get out of bed cuz of the lure of foood :D

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for communication :D

I am thankful for my BB; and S getting me it (? getting me it?) and i am even thankful for UpS sef..cuz looking at it from a now point of view, i really like that he gave it to me, you know..like literally :D :D :D :D and that the dude at the MTC office was a complete sweetheart about errything...you don't often get good service meyn..people be actin like you came to their bedroom to make demands..humph!

I am thankful for Sushi!..and for the fact that my mom is more into it that me sef..don't need to beg to get her to go...oh happee daeeeee! ^_^...i am easy to please :P

I am thankful for God. I am thankful that no matter how dysfunctional i let our relationship get..He is always there, being the mature one (D'uh), always nudging me, dropping hints until my senses decide to congregate from wherever it is that they have been holidaying... *sigh* so much wasted time that would have been spent building...

I am thankful that He will reach out to you through any medium...books, inspiration, art, people...

I am thankful for The Road Less Travelled...i dig how the author doesn't say what it is we want to hear, but writes the uncomfortable, unpadded truth that we all know to be true, but disregard cuz it lacks fancy packaging...makes you think, you know? you step aside and question your decisions, the way you are..in a constructive way..helpful..

I am thankful for my boyfriend. I am thankful that honest to goodness, for the first time in my life, i am able to care about somebody this completely...it's amaz :D

I am thankful that he gets me...lol and is patient with me when i am completely blonde...

I am thankful for everything that has made him who he is

I am thankful for memories...it's been less than a week...but they make me smile, and quite often make me cry..i miss him universes, see...

I am thankful for the person he is... he is kind and compassionate and thoughtful like few people i know..if i know any at all... it's like..not even about the er..outward manifestation of it..you think of what motivates it, and you realize that it takes a beautiful person to be that way...and i am thankful that he is :D

I am thankful for words..even if i am superclumsy with them when i need them most...

I am thankful for jewellery...my mother is on a mission..but if it makes her happy to give.... ;)

I am thankful for my mother... misunderstandings come, and they are forgotten just as fast... She gives me and my sisters her all. Everything she does, she does for us, and it's not even hard to see..my prayer is that i learn to be growed up and not let petty things get in the way of her seeing how much i love and appreciate her...

I am thankful for my sisters...my widdle angels... biggest hearts out there :D

I am thankful for appreciation. It's so easy for people to neglect showing it, and yet it makes all the difference...

I am thankful....that He will give you certain unpleasant situations in double dosage very consecutively indeed so that if you're too dumb to notice the first one, an unmistakable pattern is established and you are forced to learn... I feel i've learned a thing or two about trust in the last week..i am thankful for that...

I am thankful for humour...and all the people with whom i can indulge in it with..

I am thankful for D, M and P...lol...wonderful girls!

I am thankful for my bed...mm..it is calling me..all soft pillow and everything!

I am thankful for the weekend...

I am thankful for prayer...call it what you will, believe it how you wish..but there is something about settling down and putting your concentration on this conversation with, well..whoever it is you decide you are conversing with...me..it's God...

I am thankful for God...and the way my relationship with Him is forming up to be (i use the masculine for ease...if i think "He" is a "man" in the human sense? most likely not..He is above that..but i've said this before)

I am thankful for second chances

I am thankful for understanding

I am thankful for decisiveness... i am thankful that it has helped me let go of so many things that were bad for me...people, things, habits...don't draw it out...just let go and that's it...

I am thankful for thoughtfulness...and all the little ways in which people demonstrate it..Grams got the fruit tea my mom and i like today...she and gramps don't drink the stuff...

I am thankful for my Grandparents.... a LOT of tension...but i love them, and this surpasses everything else...need to curb my anger meyn..."getting back right" with God ought to help this...

I am thankful for epiphanies

I am thankful for kindness...simple as the people holding open the door for you

I am thankful for coincindences and chance meetings...oooh just hit me...i bumped into three people i wasn't expecting to see today AT ALL...coincidence?

I am thankful for fun..and whatever it is that brings it to each individual person..dancing o, clubbing o, reading, painting...

I am thankful for Art

I am thankful for shoes...have mercy! addict? fetishist? grrrr!

I am thankful for health

I am thankful for Love..and not just the butterflies in my belly bit..that bit may (can as the pessimists insist) fade...but it's that love that you just know is there underneath anything else...it is a powerful emotion ni...

I am thankful for blogs

I am thankful for self expression

I am thankful for psych analysis...lol..mmm my favourite past time...:P

I am thankful that i am inside this warm (ish?) dry house..and not hustling a corner under some bridge and feezing myself to death

I am thankful for dreams

I am thankful for Life... like..even on the days when you feel like there's nothing good about it...realize that it's just one day, one moment..and the rest of your life does not consist of it..you have Life..which means the opportunities you have to change your experience are endless..don't like it, change it..it's like..hair..if you don't have it, you can't change its colour. If you have it though, and you get an awful green paintjob done...as horrible as it is fresh, you could always dye it another colour in a week or so..see..the important part is having hair..everything else is negotiable...so i am thankful for Life...

I am thankful that we are here for some reason..living, thinking, loving, striving towards something, wondering, pondering...it's a bit of an overwhelming thing when you realllly think of it..

I am thankful for wisdom

I am thankful for history

I am thankful for puns :P

I am thankful that He has a plan..and it's always the best possible option..and when He means for something to be...everything will come together, cooperate to make sure that it is...you go surprise oh!

I am thankful for Summer...I am thankful for Us...wouldn't have been like this without this summer...

I am Thankful that i have survived day 2...lol..funny how it's a prayer that changed it all...stopped asking that i should stop..and started asking that He should help me stop...

I am thankful ojare...and on and on and on...but there is next Thursday...and a lot of days in between...

Seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened, ask, and it shall be given unto you...sounds simple enough...so why are we not seeking, knocking or asking? instead more than half of the time it seems easier to just complain about it...that's one of the policies i'm reviving..don't complain about it; pray about it (lol bumper sticker much?) you'd use the same amount of time, but will achieve more..throwing negativity at a problem is not a solution...

That He will Bless you indeed....(on that Jabez ish atm :P )

Thankful Thursday: Happen already!

The thing that ought to happen, before i forget, is that moment where i resolve to stop hovering between my hiatus from spirituality, and embracing it.

So it's Thursday, 12:45am. Momsi's office, and determined to write. In fact, the challenge before me is to update all my blogs..uh oh...Blog Therapy..didn't think of that one..ironic, how this resolution to write is prompted by that exactly- Therapy... Ah well.

I am Thankful. I am thankful for my life..every aspect of it. That kind of thankful that hits you when you sit down, revise where you're at and go..nna mehn, i am BLESSED.

Problems, i don't have them. Even when i do, they are never too much to move out of the way; sooner or later, they go away...

I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that by His Will, these people are in my life to start with, and that they are still there. I have some good friends. You know? The type that you know you're stuck with for life, if not physically, then sentimentally. Those people who you will never let go of, because, simply put, they rock. Spent the day with M and Babym today... Nothing of the important has changed. Mona trying her best to compose herself while me and Babym loose the understanding of er... being worried about people's opinions...and then we tease M...and on and on..just like Js3...i am thankful for that :D..and M went makeup hunting with me and and...they both truly care about me and i know that not because of the words they say...I am thankful that i have them... I am thankful for all my friends who made me laugh today...lol..corporate beating...laughs!

I am thankful for my sisters...wonderful widdle people them... they just might be the ones who know me through and through and still...ah well..not like they can get rid of me :P...they listen to me whine, they give me massages on demand, they can complete my jokes, they are so goshdarn smart, talented, patient, understanding, caring..you know, when they are in the mood :P...and above all..forgiving

I am thankful for my mom...cuz shun...our occasional misunderstandings aside...she nurtures me like no other...she is always there for me even when i act the fool :P...she is special...

I am thankful for my dad...i owe a lot of who i am to him...

I am thankful for prayer...been doing that a bit more diligently in recent days...it's weird how i could go from praying every 10 minz...lol including short ones nau..to not praying in days..i know..i know... but there is something to slowing down and consulting with...God? Yourself? directing your energies? listening to yourself? there is something to prayer...and i suck majorly for letting that part of my life slip up...mmmm rewarding to get back on it :D

I am thankful for books...you cannot think all the thoughts in this world on your own...and even if you do, you cannot analyze them to their fullest capacities...which is why people write books, in which aside from novel ideas, you get to see your suspicions expounded upon...abi two heads are better than one?

I am thankful for psychobabble and spiritual books...the ones that guilt makes me run away from...*sigh*...

I am thankful for psychology

I am thankful for philosophy

I am thankful for writing...cuz this is kinda good...forces you to think..or at least allows your conscience wreak havoc, allows your words come out more or less unhindered, uninterrupted by our own editing...at least if you're writing the way i write these posts...some people scoff at rants, raise snooty noses in the air and things...well i say a huge ass sorry...is it really possible to confront your thoughts and real issues if you are too busy making them PC and trying to write what you THINK is the right thing? sometimes, for you..just let it rip and be introduced to yourself...i go back and read my posts sometimes, and notice that they are me in what is possibly the truest form...we get so caught up in being the way we ought to be...that we become strangers to ourselves...(yes, i gag at the cliche that whole sentence is drowning in)

I am thankful for the little things...lol.S's concern in me getting away from the cinema today, him calling on my way home...texts in the mornings, goodnights..asking if i'm okay..eh, that way in which he just generally looks out for me..."watch that step" an things...shhhhhhhh! :P

I am thankful for S...every day, over and over..I am thankful that i pray for him, i pray for us...this is no small thing. It is a big thing when it's something you feel you can and want to pray about...it's like

It's like the way i'm thankful for loving him. best.feeling.ever. i care about this person...i care about this person so much that my sisters will soon start shanking me for mentioning it :P...oh have i said how much i love him?...aunty T today mentioned that just being loved...well..that gets old if you don't love the person in return...but now loving a person...well...that's a whole other euphoria :P

I am thankful for love.... Jesus knew what he was on about, eh?

I am thankful for optimism, for happy people... touches me deep when you see people who are (not judging meyn) worse of that you in certain aspects, and they don't hate on you, instead, they wish you well and ask God to bless you... Takes a big person and i am always humbled...

I am thankful for His Word..recent epiphany involved revising an epiphany...at some point i decided that the Bible was just simplified philosophy for the masses....and then one day..i think when i read the lost symbol..it hit me that it is the most brilliant paradox ever... The Bible is simultaneously stupendously simple, and mind bogglingly complex...i guess it depends on how you are reading it...speaking of which..need to get on that..

I am thankful for Bloggerrrrrr!!! which has me writing again *cough* yes, by that i do mean this post but that's beside the point :P...bloggers are just...special..there's this solidarity, there's this beauty of this world of ideas thing happening...just might be my drug...each post touches you in it's own way..dissolved over Chari and Buttercups blog last night...cuz their story is so me right now...*sigh*

I am thankful for lotions and potions...for yes, i am an addict

I am thankful for music

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for cuddles

I am thankful for all those inexplicable things that make me so damn happy whenever i think of S

I am thankful for who he is...he is sooo considerate, caring, thoughtful (these are not synonyms...for reasons i don't think i can explain sensibly :P), intelligent, kind, sweet..and oh so sexay ;)...talented :P O:-)..funnnyyyyy!!! cute! adorable! deep...arghhhh my baby is perfect.

I am thankful for the way he gets me :D....really...there are not many things more important than this, are there?

I am thankful for the way he is there for me...my hero ^_^

I am thankful that i know him. That we text. That we talk...that i get to stare at him. That all is well with the world when we're cuddled up, "watching" Tv...

I am thankful that God will put you where you need to be...and when it's meant to be...it just works...without you going crazy to get it...

I am thankful that even when i do not realize/acknowledge or appreciate a situation at the moment, i ultimately believe that things work out the way they ought to be, and anything that happens, happens for the best..

I am thankful for trust... It is only trust that will get you through people talking bullshit...and love and support and things of that nature too :P...but trust...that ish is way up there

I am thankful for...vulnerability *..side note on that..i am borrowing a bit of Funms post to put up on the Strangest thing blog...for i stumbled upon it and thought...that is kinda what i was setting out to try to write...it is not easy to open up and trust...it is not easy to get walls down....it is not easy...but the reward is worth it...you cannot experience a relationship (in this case), if you're too busy waging what is essentially, a war. Like, hello..you are supposed to be on the same team..so all this getting battle ready and armed to the teeth, God forbid you get hurt and can't hit as hard in return..omo, in the words of M...go and enter bush and die..you iz confused :P

I am thankful for series...Family Guy has been the poison of choice this past week.....Stewie Griffin is my widdle crush :P #Now what did you learn? BWahahahahahaah! evil little baby!

I am thankful that i am healthy o!..dunno what high tech deficiency or thing i (or anybody for that matter) might have...but i am walking, talking, eating and sleeping without any major palaver...so i am thankful for being healthy ojare..it is not beans!

I am thankful for blissful coincidences

I am thankful for advice..of the well meaning sort..even if at the moment you want to slap the giver sideways...

I am thankful for my, if i might say, not too shabby people scanner...some people will just out of the blue start acting weird...meyn, i don't care how normal you were three years ago..if i sniff "idon'tnecessarilywishyouwell"...er...Goodbye! Anne Robinson style :P...nip that ish in the bud...don't need negativity messin up my aura and things :P

I am thankful for diversity

I am thankful for spirituality

I am thankful for thought

I am thankful for understanding

I am thankful for art..for a host of reasons...

I am thankful if you have read this far... i have been writing for the past hour!!!! oya..it's enough...let sumn remain for next time...lol

I am thankful more than words can express...but He knows...He knows cuz i can't fake it..

Seek first abi? Prioritize...and everything else will be added on to you...simple words..but the truth, when you see it happen, will blow your mind...

Thankful Thursday: Forgive me for Forgetting...

I read yesterday, that guilt is the most selfish emotion. This is true.

I am sorry that i have let guilt make me forget that this God and me thing, it's a relationship.

I am sorry that i have forgotten that i can do nothing without Him, and instead have been actin' like mizz Independent...there are people you form that Shakara for...He is not among these people.

I am sorry that i have forgotten to cast my burdens.

I am sorry that i have forgotten to talk things through with Him.

I am sorry that i have forgotten to talk to Him plain and simple, forgotten to spend time in His presence. What is a relationship without communication?

I am sorry that i have let life get in the way..Ironic, seeing how this "life" does not measure up to what i have with Him in it.

I am sorry that i have neglected Him.

I am sorry that i have taken Him for granted.

Most of all, i am sorry that i forgot what our relationship is, forgot just how amazing it gets, forgotten everything. That is probably the biggest sin there is, yes? I cannot remember the chapter and verse right now, but i suddenly understand what it means that the people who have it worst are those who have seen, and then turned away..those who have felt, known, and then forgotten. It's not that God will smite you ( He doesn't act all petty like tat, contrary to sensational opinion)..it's the fact that the emptiness of a life without spirituality after you have BEEN there will consume you...slowly, quickly and totally. Not a place where you want to be.

So today, i had a long prayer during my massage...saw a couple of mistakes in previous requests..See i used to go to Him and be all "i will be good this time, i will turn over a new leaf and i will do this, and i will stop doing that"...during this prayer, it occurred to me that i just might have it all wrong.

See i'm going to God and promising to do and be all these things....on my own? I am, in essence, telling Him, look, hey, You just forgive me and that's it..i got this....WRONG! as goeth the thing with casting burdens, He doesn't expect you to come to Him all fixed and perfect...the thing is in you coming to Him and asking Him to fix you and make you right...and all this while i have been waiting to get right on my own, and THEN "feel" worthy of His conversation...*sigh*..we wander about blindly in the dark..led in opposite directions because of our own misunderstanding...

So i am thankful for this epiphany...

I am thankful that the future isn't some obscure date some days ahead...it kinda starts when you want it to. Make your changes and stop finding excuses!

I am thankful for prayer

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for wisdom

I am thankful for family

I am thankful that He knocks sense into me

I am thankful for the big picture...because when you look at it...all the day to day wahala looses it's significance and scare ability...it's all so trivial...like how in the big picture..the beef i was having with my mom is such a joke..looked at the big picture and suddenly felt very little, stupid, and selfish..

I love my mother. I love her like none other... Everything and anything she can do for me, she does...continuously...without fail...I love her

I am thankful for my life..all of it.. :D

I am thankful for massages

I am thankful for cooking...for food

I am thankful for art

I am thankful for MY BOYFRIEND!!!! lol.... proof that God loves me no matter how big of an idiot i am? He blessed me with this this this superamazing person, and i still can't figure out where what when or why...but i am so thankful it's not even funny...God makes plans..and His plans...oh they rawk :)

I am thankful that S..is who he is, the way he is...

I am thankful for my friends...them true ones..the ones that matter...

I am thankful that Babym is backkkkkkk!!!!! i can already feel the laughter induced migranes....boy iz a heeeeedyattt!...the best one you'll ever meet

I am thankful for laughter...my new book says that laughter is crucial...S makes me laugh like none other...my sister has accused me of glowing lately, and blames him :P

I am thankful for...thought....which i am off to indulge in...mommy needs PC...

I am thankful that i get to sit here, all then fingers and toes, type this thing out, and be genuinely thankful ,because i have SO MUCH to be thankful for....i am blessed, and it is not a coincidence...there is a God, and that God loves me..

I am thankful for learning...a little bit each day..

I am thankful for open mindedness, open minded people..

I am thankful for how S gets me... He just does and that...that is special.

I am thankful for Us..me and him...i am thankful.

I am thankful that...He brings me joy :P a la LL Cool J and er...kai who was it in that song with Gabrielle Union?..have.to.google.

I am thankful that tomoz is Friday and thus begins the weekend....we get to spend time togetherrrrr :P

I am thankful ooooooooooo! e no get end point meyyyn :P

Stay blessed...and and stop trying to fix your damn self and get over yourself and ask for some help..baby steps...