Two things on my mind...Joy, and well..this story with Quacky I'll start with Quacky cuz it leads to the joy bit...See like two days ago, while joking about how we'd market Holy Shampoo and Holy bodywash and a whole lot of that nonsense, i, in the spirit of the joking told Quacks that i liked her vision. See we hadn't talked in a while, and i didn't know wussup...So we talk on a bit, and she brings me back to that moment...Turns out that my French Duckie DOES have a vision, a beautiful mission to change the youth, to wake a whole lot of people up from this superficiality we now seem to bask in....We had a super duper conversation on that (it's all serious and paperwork and churches and things...i am too proud of her!)..then i get to the personal bit for me.
Seeing as Quacks vision is God and religion based...She brought it up, that i could help and we could write and...well i couldn't very well sign on with a lie, now could i? So i told her...i'd help where i can, but i have to tell you that me, i'm kinda on rocky terrain with God right now...I know all the ad libs and all the passages, i'd write the textbook in a heartbeat...i mostly know what i need to change, and i know God will see me through and this and that...and She told me that....The point of this preamble is that i told her; i cannot go through the motions and pretend that all is good with God. I've been there, it frustrated me so much i ran away again. I cannot do devotions and read my bible earlier than the time.
See i believe in that. Nothing is coincidence (like the convo, and whats with me now, for instance), and everything happens when it's supposed to, for it's own reasons. I've had intense periods of being all in tune with God....and that's cool...it was productive and played it's role...When that alloted time is done...it's like i go into hibernation and nothing happens...then the time comes again and me and Him work...i have more or less come to accept this for now...I do not regard the lags as time wasted...it was time given to me to gather those experiences and learn those lessons, which always seem to play key roles in the me and God times that follow...and now.. it feels right inside, see
As this blog is called, it's my God and me. It's personal, it's my own relationship with God...i am learning to pay attention to cues, to recognise the ups and downs and patterns...it works for us..discover for yourself the sort of thing you have going with Him..it's amazing..it really is...but most important, i think..is to listen and not fight it...just Trust Him...
And so...after a lot of months of being just meh...and last week's depression...for the last two days...i have been happy..lol know how they say it's darkest before it gets light?...I am still trying to get used to it...like..i could be standing, then i'm so overcome with this joy that i want to break out in giggles...yea...i know it sounds weird...it's like..i feel a peace i haven't felt in a while...I guess it takes reaching rock bottom before you can go up again...still on it getting darkest...homesickness, crankyness...then i foolishly went and got in a fight with S....meh...that too played it's role...at one point i just saw my mumuishness clearly and realized that i entertain one too many foolish thoughts sometimes. Thoughts that do nothing but make you walk around like a storm cloud ready to drop at any moment....and such...as i said...everything plays its role in moving you towards the light at the end of that tunnel....there's a beautiful explanation in Shantaram..but it's long...in summary..it is Good. If it ultimately moves you to the light..it is good.
So..i let go, rather subcounsciously, even, of a lot of foolish notions...and i'm now swamped with all this peace and happiness and....and i feel like i'm all set to hang out with Him again...like...i want it, i'm ready to listen...not shutting Him out, but looking for His words...it's..nice..i missed it...
For everything above, i am thankful
I am thankful for life
I am thankful for family
I am thankful for friends
I am thankful for love
I am thankful for cooking...number 1 de-stresser!
I am thankful for communication
I am thankful for when S says all the right things at the right time without even knowing...
I am thankful for my boyfriend...he is the bestester....
I am thankful for my bed! oh how inseparable we've been..
I am thankful that there's an upside to everything...no light? Candle light bath!
I am thankful for books
I am thankful for my sisters...they are my angels!
I am thankful for each day
I am thankful for lessons learned
I am thankful that nothing is random
I am thankful that He uses everything to speak to you
I am thankful for forgiveness and second chances
I am thankful for understanding and being understood
I am thankful for little things
I am thankful for laughter
I am thankful for this JOY!!!! i wish it on everyone...
be good now...x
