Thankful Thursday: Official and everything!

At some point this afternoon, i put two and all the fb and twitter updates i was seeing today together, remembered that it was Thursday...and it hit me that this was a very very actual day for a TT :D Happy Thanksgiving i guess...even if someone rightly pointed out, that for all non US residents, it's tantamount (what sort of Ponce uses "tantamount" in actual sentences?..anyways) to Americans saying Happy Osun (whatever that is)...anywho..any reason to be thankful is good enough for me :D

I am thankful thay God turns my frowns upside down. He does this in ways that calm my anxieties and remind me that He's got my back. For some inexplicable reason, i keep forgetting this and trying to handle everything...then proceed to fail woefully at it, and collapse in gratitude when He comes through and makes all the problems go away..then we sit back and have a good laugh and it's another lesson learned. I don't care how overwhelmed you are, or how hopeless you think a situation looks from where you're sitting, standing or curled up crying...He will stupefy you when He makes it all better.

Sometimes (a LOT of the time) it's mad difficult to sit there and act all believerish and positive. It's downright frustrating even, because human logic is constantly stage whispering at you what a fool you look, believing everything is fine when it's all crashing down all around you...I've been there this week, several times. I was there today..i will have a bruise on my arm tomorrow to prove it. I lost my cool, i forgot to be all positive..yes, i'm human..and my tears were 75% pure frustration..because it seems so unfair at the moment...

It's evening now..and everything that was causing me to be anxious? done. I was in a panic as to how i'd sort it all, BP up and all over everywhere, thinking of what on my list had to go...and you know what? everything that i had lined up (save for the assignment that i need to copy and paste together until it looks like an original piece :P ) is all done. That is a testimony. He is everything and more than worthy of our 100% trust and love and gratitude...now don't get it twisted..it's properly difficult to go about 24/7 in this state of mind..and that's okay..He understands this, and doesn't demand it of you from the get go...even when you're pro...you're still human...so it's okay..just don't let it turn into a road block, or a "turn around and stop" or "stop and turn around" sign...

abi it's Matthew 6&7...do not be anxious...do not be anxious..chant that like a mantra...He's got this...if i list out the ways i've seen this happen in the last week alone....that's what i'm on....take a deep breath, and stop getting in His way so much...

I am thankful for Life

I am thankful for Love

I am thankful for friends

I am thankful for family

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful that V is okay...

I am thankful for my godmothers new dog...i had a lesson in love yesterday...suuuch positivity...it's therapy mahn..

I am thankful for communication

I am thankful for kindness

I am thankful for understanding

I am thankful for forgiveness

I am thankful for harmony

I am thankful for inspiration

I am thankful for support of the moral variety

I am thankful that i am so loved. God has blessed me with the most amazing friends. Not just the ones that have been there since forever...but people who's kindness just touches you down deep, and they don't even suspect how much their care means....God bless them abundantly..

I am thankful for each day

I am thankful for nature

I am thankful for hardships that we overcome, hardships that are motivation...they make us grow...

I am thankful for music

I am thankful for God.

I am thankful for my sisters..

I am thankful for this week....DOOOD! it's Friday already? huh? when?

I am thankful for showers

I am thankful for where i am, for who i am, and am thankful for everything and everyone and every experience that led me here..God makes no mistakes.

I am thankful for this feeling i get when i count my blessings..i'm delirious! I have God, and He won't ever, doesn't ever leave me...

I am thankful!

In all things, give thanks...

Phewwww it's been a while...this phrase is becoming too much of a standard beginning to my posts...but no matter...

Obviously, my reasons are quite legit so let's get that one over with :P...it's quite simple really...according to the "once bitten, twice shy" doctrine, i went into turtle mode. Vulnerability overdrive and not wanting to share myself..because my words are an extension of me, and putting them all up and out there and having them...again, no matter....especially as i have been going through a period where there's just been literally no me to share.

They say that a person can only share what they have. Out of what they do possess can they take a bit, or a lot, and hand to another person, in the same nature as is the thing itself...i have come with my long sentences..basically, if you have apples, you can share apples, if you have rotten tomatoes, that's all that you can potentially share, there.

All that one is even another post. In line with taking baby steps, and continuing my all round healing and growth process, it has been hinted to me that writing this post today (not tomorrow, and not yesterday) is the next step...if it's a starting step to a line of steps, or just a control step, after which i go to another lesson, i have no idea.

I just really really really want to yell this from the mountaintops: In ALL things, be thankful. Yesterday just looked like Punkd....it was the first day of the beginning of this reform i've started out on...and all these challenges were just popping up left, right and center to the point where if it wasn't frustrating, i would have given in to the laughter that was just fighting to get out...and i did laugh, eventually....But again, that's not the point. The point is, they all challenged me to be thankful, despite the situation, to live up to the positivity that i embarked on the day before. At first, it was through sheer determination, because the only thing i wanted to do was tap into my rich vocabulary of cusses..in several languages...small small, i answered instead with thanks...and you know what? it calmed me down, and i started being genuinely thankful, regardless of the situation, because it put things in perspective and made me see that the blessings i do have just dwarf and annihilate these insignificant things that if payed attention to, if fed with the negativity they crave, are a threat to my general happiness not just at the given moment, but in future, and in the big picture of my life...

I'm just started out on this...but the blessings and fortune that have just enveloped me as a result...are the best motivation i could ask for...Trust in God, know that He doesn't make mistakes...your own part will be to pass any tests thrown your way, do not give in to negativity and doubt...and your joy will just grow before your eyes. Oh, and that is another point..be happy. NOW. Not when something happens or when you buy something or eat something. Decide to be happy, and simply be so...it requires nothing more than deciding to be so, and BEING so. Do not tie your happiness to any external factors. To do so is to surrender all the rights you have over you to everyone and everything else, and have no control over your own life...and that's just silly. You own your own happiness.

Okayyy...before i gwan break something...these muscles have been out of practice, yea? before i just strain sumn...kai...but i guess there is what to write about meyn...the second half of this year has just been...whoaaaaa! i just thank God! I am so thankful it's making me delirious...

I am thankful for Life, for God, for Love, for friends and family....and everything else that i shall do justice to in subsequent posts....

xoxo.

Thankful Thursday: Step 1, learning to read.

This post, i'll start with a huge Thank You to Him for everything that's inspired it, both the things i am able to communicate and the ones that remain just out of reach, that refuse to be written down things. Secretly, i suspect that they are a stronger force than even the things i can/try to peg down and analyse.

It feels like i've been in hibernation, then in a month and a half, with increasing intensity, i'm being taken apart and put back together over and over again, better each time. It's the start of something..or just a necessary phase...but it feels good. Like the aches you feel all over when you work out (ahem...yes...work out ;)...about that...walking counts!)

It's going by me so fast, like i'm on a crash course of something...I don't think i've ever stood aside and seen me the way i have in the last couple of weeks, i am learning(love that!) so much about..well..me, growing up, what i want, what i need. A lot of difficult decisions have been, and have to be made..but somehow it's okay, it's reassuring, it's easier knowing that it's for the best. Nothing good ever came without sacrifice...i embrace growth...gaaaah there's so much emotion right now and it's frustrating not being to just transfer the picture in my head to this here post. It's radical! it's a breath of fresh air! it feels right...

One of the epiphanies i had a couple of days ago was that where i am now, this crossroads or empty lot or whatever metaphor/visual works is good for me. No, no, no don't disimiss this point. When you don't realize/accept that you are where you need to be, you start looking for a way out, instead of getting comfortable and learning the lesson of the day. It's just going to be time wasted, because with the way He works..there will be no lesson skipped...He is patient..He has all of Time to wait..so when you're done struggling against, you WILL learn that lesson, and only then can you move on. Me, i'm thirsty, like, let's get this show on the ROAD!

In line with this, is realization that dawned on me this evening while watching this interview with some tranny (SUPER FOINE!..when she wasn't speakin sha..cuz that bass....phew) and some producer guy who i don't know, but will track down the interview of, because this unassuming bald pudgy fella was exuding some kind of relaxed wisdom that is the exact brand of what i'm shooting for. Not that he's the bees knees...but there are a couple of things i won't mind learning, knaamean? Now, beside the point. Some of what he said was basically the story of my life. Okay, not the ENTIRE story..but bits i could relate to without even tweaking...But then the light in which he said it made me realize that he seemed to know more about what i was looking for being in those situations that me in them.

It's being drawn to something, vaguely knowing that there's a thing which attracts you about it, yet if asked, you mumble and can't quite place your finger on it. This whole episode made me see things a bit differently. That i might be in these situations thinking to learn from them (and that i do! no offence to them in any way) but at the same time, i need to learn to read His intentions better.

He's a bit more complex than giving you a thing with one meaning. Be it a blessing, a challenge...So (i just really need to spell this out for me :P) It's not so much about just learning, but also about having all these different situations i'm thrown into challenge me to be the best version of me that i have the potential of being. That, was a long sentence.

So, it's not just about Uni, it's not just about friends, it's not just about incidences, coincidences, people and learning from them like you're in class..But also recognizing where the lesson is in fact indirect and you just need to pop into class, and be out of there, knowing what to work towards....you grab? :P Tyler Perry in one Production (i forget which) had this story about friends, acquaintances and i believe he likened them to a tree. How some are the leaves, some the branches, and some, the root system. Likewise experiences and well..everything in life, really. With time, you should learn to spot from a distance who is a leaf and is there for a season. Love and appreciate them, and be genuine for that season, and there are no hard feelings when that season is over. It does not in any way negate the experiences. Problems start when you try to make a seasonal leaf into a lifetime appendage...That's just unhealthy.

Everything in life is dynamic, it's all moving, changing..seasons, day to night, people being born, dying...that is life, change, moving on, metamorphosis. Some people are more sentimental than others, and this is their blessing and curse to bear until they wise up, or are matyred for it. To each his own. I, however, for now in any case, am being hinted in the direction of letting things go when they've run their course. No hard feelings...there are just other things that need to be seen, be heard..There is a time to learn, to gather to soak up, to grow...that is now. We never stop learning, and we teach along the way when and where we can, but the objective is also at some point to be able to share something...

Sharing. Another current motivating factor, directly tied to the epiphany. You cannot share what you do not have. You cannot have a conversation, you cannot give advice if you have nothing in you (i sense this is another post, potentially), so therefore, before you gwan start cleaving to people, work on yourself. In summary, that is it. You are your first and neverending project. The one you are constantly showing, having evaluated, and the one you and only you will answer for at the end. Deduction strongly hints that it's only advisable to do the best you can raising the person that you are. The world is open, there is everything to know, and you have time...i dunno....Heaven knows i've slacked on that front for months now. Again, there is a time for everything..that period is part of what is motivating me now..so i guess i can call it breaking even. Summary is this; If everything is taken from You, all you have left is you...might as well make that one badass you. It does take constant evaluation, constant awareness, and that favourite of every person (there is pure wisdom in this), work. It is work. It won't just happen to you, but if you identify what you do want for you...it gets better from there (say i, bursting with optimism). I do need to get back to me, and by jove will i make progress. It's sad to remain stuck in a rut...when all around you life is happening..NoThankYou!

Also. Cutting off. Like the learn to say Yes movements or the say No movements, another wise one is the cut off one. Again, sentimental sillies like myself have/used to :P have problems letting go..but then you realize that because of that, you are hanging on for way too long to what is not healthy for reasons you can't describe farther than...but it would be so rude to let go. It sounds cruel and terribly non-PC..but sometimes, in some things, you have to learn to be selfish. It is healthy selfishness. Like, weighing the pros and cons, you come to see that the (true story) negativity and lack of drive in someone close to you, or interest in self development as it appears holds you back in the large picture. It worked for a while, dismissing these things as "one of those things", but then you see that not only are they unchanging, but they are catching. So it's either they are potent, or you are weak..either ways...if it's not making you better...you're probably better off without...i dunno...these are thoughts as at now. Perhaps tomorrow i''ll be wiser and see it differently..and even then..it will be built upon this here experience so....

Whoa...i have typed an epistle. Making up for lost posts or something...

I am thankful for life

I am thankful for Love

I am thankful for epiphanies

I am thankful for Family

I am thankful for friends...i don't know where i'll be without them...

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for food :D

I am thankful for patience....of which i do need a bit more

I am thankful for plans....even if i'm still working out if i love them to bits, or can't stand them...they tend to fall through though..

I am thankful for fantasies...they keep you sane sometimes..your very own telenovela :D

I am thankful for boxing...yes, i know..awful awful violent...but i must have some sort of blood thirst :D

I am thankful for LIFEEEE!!! i cannot say enough or with a strong enough intensity how much i love life and the blessing of it

I am thankful for His blessings, His mercies, His love even if i have done precious little to deserve it

I am thankful for His patience....i know i require it doubledose :D

I am thankful for Prayer...i will be straight up honest..haven't had a good pray in ages...something holding me back...emptied myself over the last half year..and it's ridiculous that i feel like i have no ME to share with Him...He freakin gives me ME...so...i'm being counterproductive..need a good pray....i'm scared..

I am thankful for answered prayers. Even the ones that i don't consciously pray...He hears them.

I am thankful for Kindness. I believe in Kindness.

I am thankful for thoughtfulness.

I am thankful for getting to know yourself

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for the little things. It has gotten repetitive...but it's all about the little things

I am thankful for shoesss :D :D

I am thankful for writing. In this moment, i realized how ironic it is that pouring yourself out with these words can, instead of emptying you out, fill you with more than you had to start out with...#Therapy

I am thankful for music....Hush Hush and Chudo have helped me through a lot in the last few weeks. That is all there is to be said right about now.

I am thankful for Happiness...go out and GET IT!

I am even more thankful for JOY...

I am thankful for everything that has been in my life, is in my life, and will be...For i trust Him entirely and really need to learn to stop helping Him chart my course, but actually sit back and listen, as opposed to "reading" the "obvious" and quickly acting on that...

I AM THANKFUL!

:D

Also, Aloted, i love you :)

Thankful Thursday: Back to Basics

As always, i believe everything that happens in my life happens when it's supposed to, and there's a lesson to be learned. So before joking about how i've really been away for a while and apologising...it feels like it was meant to be...so...yea

Haven't written for several reasons it seems, none of which i have called by name; it's always..no time, no inspiration..but most of all, i think it's avoiding the vulnerability that it is...At the end, it's me opening up and letting in, even if it seems like the most average copy-style writing, to me, and maybe it will only ever be, to me it's kind of a big deal...sometimes i get all hedgehog-y and curl up in a ball, spikes out....well then..oooh of hedgehogs! we found one, proceeded to tear (his grip-toh bahd!) him (or her?) away from the plant or whatever he was hangingo on to and take him indoors...cutest friggin thing everrrr! growls like a champ tho...who would have thought?

Back to basics...

It feels like over this summer, i've packed in several years' worth of growing up...decisions i've misunderstood or struggled with for years now have become clear and it's like a breath of fresh air, really..like i'd been stumbling about and i was just pointed in the right direction. Now, i don't know if this is temporary, or long term...either ways, it's progress.

Back to basics...

It feels like in the world we live in, we are constantly being given a finished picture to work with. A large, complex version of reality that we ought to "be living now" or be losers. From pre-teen girls with full makeup and 4 inch heels trying to untie complicated grown up like emotions, to teens suffering major depression because they feel they fall short of what is considered to be "success", failing to see, to understand that this half way done complicated picture is not where you ought to start.

They don't tell us about the basics anymore. For some reason it's not fun enough, it's not glam enough...so we hit the ground running, without training or at least a good stretch, and basically end up closing our eyes and hoping for the best.

So many things have made me come to a complete stop and ask for some sanity. To stop the spinning, to stop the urgency, not even to clear the plate, but to at least see what i'm working with, and i've come to understand that i need a carte blanche, and a do-over. Not because of any regrets, not because i'm sorry for anything that has happened, but because i've come to see that maybe, just maybe, i need to learn my ABCs, even if i already know how to read. We forget, we get caught up in long sentences...We need to learn to slow it down, abandon pride and the sense of accomplishment that must not omly be matched, but supassed, and learn to learn it all over again. Not because we don't know..but because we could know it better. Everything that you will ever learn or achieve is built on something...you cannot learn algebra if you can't add...and even if you do learn to do the algebra..you'll do it by blind faith until you learn that 2+2 is 4 and not just believe that it is that...knaamean?

So that's my current epiphany...going back to basics, seeking out the elementary, in love, in life, in people, in work, in everything..slow down and go back to basics when it all overwhelms you. Go back to the start and retrace your steps...i don't even know what actions come under this new resolution of mine..or more like..i feel them...to put them in words is still a bit of a stretch, and slightly personal if anything...but..like when you loose something, you go back to the start, back to when and where you first had it, and retrace your steps until you get to where you are and remember why you're there, and where you're headed...

I am thankful for so much in my life right now, that cliche aside, it's this surge of emotions that make me want to cry, just cry tears of joy for His faithfulness, for His kindness, and the way He has my back. For every bad day i think i have, i get a million good ones, plus the insight that the so called "bad day" was a blessing too...

I am thankful that He has not, and does not abandon me, even when our relationship is less than traditional..I feel Him there, His presence is oh-so-vivid

I am thankful for laughter...

I am thankful for love. Nope, not the sappy, lets-hold-hands variety (even if i'm sure it's just gravy), but just...love...the one you feel for everybody...just for being humans (lol i growl at people too o! i have my i-hate-people days...) but...the love my family cocoons me in, the love i have for my friends...it might be "just a feeling"...but it can't be that trivial if it makes you feel JOY..just for no reason, you're joyful because of this love...

I am thankful for my family...they are the best!...even when they are driving me up the walls...we kiss and make up

I am thankful for understanding...in the sense of understanding things, those "it dawns on me" moments

I am thankful for understanding..in the sense of being understood and understanding other people...

I am thankful for jokes

I am thankful for UNI!!! 1st September, first day back...and i was soooo happy to see my coursemates! two years will make a family out of strangers...love their yeye heads to bits..we squabble, and we don't entirely agree with each other..but in bits and pieces, we find mutual interests...and that's okay

I am thankful for Choices...people have options, and that's okay...free them! the world will be happier

I am thankful...for being happy for people..genuinely not playa hating, but clapping on the back and telling them they did good and wishing them well sort of being happy for people...too many people just be puttin sand in other people's garri for no reason

I am thankful for growth....i am a long way from knowing anything..buh small small....through burns, stumbles, and straight out parking your face on the floor...we learn and grow..

I am thankful for hurt and pain and whatever other unpleasant feelings we may be forced to face every now and then..they push us to be the best we can, they prod us into growing...in the end, you look back and find it in your heart to be thankful to whatever it is that pained you and made you better...

I am thankful for kindness...there's nothing to it, it's completely free...but it's possibly one of the best things you could share...

I am thankful for smiles

I am thankful for compliments :D :D :D chei i love Kiev :D

I am thankful for well mannered/raised/what you will call it men/boys...well and girls too, but that's beside the point...there's something about it that just makes your jaw drop...and when you feel like a girly girl in the presense of a boy..you know he's doing something right..makes you want to track down everybody responsible and give them an award....While on that, a slight detour (mostly a note to me for a future post) that girls need these sort of males in their lives (fathers, brothers, cousins, uncles, etc etc), because when they grow up, they'll have clear set standards of the men they let in their lives and settle for nothing less.....

I am thankful for people that are there for you no matter what...whether it's a shoulder they give you, a hanky, a bottle and a pep talk, or just hear you out and see your side...i am thankful with my whole soul for these angels

I am thankful for learning

I am thankful for God

I am thankful that He answers all my prayers

I am thankful for all those walks and looking at the stars..for real...escape someplace with wide open spaces and no electricity and just stare at the sky #amazing!!!!!! puts you and your life in perspective..reassures you that there's more to life, that there's so much out there to learn, to know..to be awed by..

I am thankful that each new day is an adventure, full of little surprises

I am thankful for happiness, for joy...that if you decide to be, it will come your way...everywhere you look...oooh like that cute ass kid at the skate park today...gaddehmn i want one of those running around my house..he'll have me wrapped around his little finger..little cherub!

I am thankful for writing...and that i have this outlet..let it be that the words come out arseways...but it's good for me like that..monkey no fine but im mama like am..

I am thankful for the Internet!!! :D

I am thankful that we all have a chance for a re-think and a do-over

I am thankful that everybody that's been flying anywhere has gone and come safely

I am thankful for sleeeeeeeeeeep!!!!!! been scrimping on that lately

I am thankful for LIFE! for if we are alive...then the whole world is there to explore, and it can only go up from there...

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for positivity

oohi am thankful for this third cousin of mine that has been discovered.....the big brother i've been looking for all my life? *Hong Kong Phooey voice* Miiiight be!! :D hehe so many plans...

I am thankful for my great uncle and my great aunt and and the time we spent together

I am thankful for memories

I am thankful for simplicity

I am thankful for deciciveness (how dem dey spell am again?)

I am thankful for communication..

I am thankful for resolutions...i.am.going.to.be.happy.

I am thankful for fairness....i am the stomacher of a lot..unfairness still knocks me flat everytime..leaves me gasping and hyperventilating...

i am thankful.....

Thankful.

It's been a whiiiiile....and it doesn't mean i've been pissed and ungrateful and can find nothing to be thankful for in my life...on the contrary...God Loves me, and that is a fact i can't escape even if i were foolish enough to try. A while ago i learned not to despair when it felt like my world was imploding,beacause it meant that it was about to get better than it was...or..perhaps not better in that sense of it, but different, but in a way that is good too. It's like the end of one chapter and the start of a new one. Also been contemplating that recently..how my life is so very much like a book divided into chapters...Chapters so wholly different from each other, and the rest unwritten...

I love life and am thankful for it...So i go along with this book of sorts with an open mind, because crying over spilt milk or hanging on to an idea that you think you ought to, whilst not letting life take its course is a bit well...yea...on the whole, i regret nothing ever...well excpept this one..lol beside the point. Like i already said...the start of a new chapter in no way undermines the quality of the previous..it is what it is and has/had its role to play and ought to be celebrated for that...#lessonslearned...

It's all nice and theoretical and all to say that, and i believe it...i do and a more accurate evaluation would be to say i am working towards harmonising that theory with reality....but sometimes we are left with unfinished previous chapters, which we refuse to address because...because they aren't really finished and facing them brings up feelings with which one simply isn't equiped to DEAL....and so..they hang in there...unfinished for the moment...but that is life..and it's okay..it really is..

I am thankful for life....intoxicated by the joy of having it and all the little things that make you aware of the awesomeness of it

I am thankful for family....i love them!

I am thankful for health...wallahi...a headache can RUIN your perception of the world

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for summer and the beach and and...

I am thankful for Uni and the favour He sends my way...exams be like :D...er..pray for criminalistics..

I am thankful for books..literature

I am thankful for friends...

I am thankful for fooooood :D

I am thankful for humour :D

I am thankful for love

I am thankful for longer days

I am thankful for patience

I am thankful for innocence

I am thankful for experiences good and bad

I am thankful for ice cream

I am thankful for life....because as long as you have that...you can wing it from there and come out not too shabby...scraped and dishevelled....but otherwise good...

I am thankful for happiness...because once you decide to be happy..nobody can take that away from you...

I am thankful :D

Thankful Thursday: Lost for Words

It's like the cat got my tongue, my mind is a-drifting...school, regular conversation, i'm just lost, no...see, i just lost my train of thought there again...ah yes, concentration. I have none of it. It's like a constant battle to not think, really, a subconscious one, because everything that the conscious part of me feels the obligation to think through, my subconscious wants to have none of. It then seems to be easier to just switch off, because mostly it's confusion and hyperventilation and..confusion...ah well...

This being the situation of things, it's truly a miracle that my week (academic) has been so good. Studying has been out of the question and mostly took place in the form of me shoving a book at V and asking her to read and regurgitate a brief, i'm-talking-to-a-toddler summary.... and tests have turned out good- written ones...it's talking that has me jamming. Like literally, i cannot engage and be all there....which is ironic, seeing as i was just declaring that ADD is one of those fancy new diagnoses that people use to avoid being responsible for their powers of concentration...i guess it is legit..

Given all that, and my current inability to focus on any sort of truly emotionally taxing topic, i will state that i am thankful. All this swirling around me is obsolete in the face of all the things i am thankful for.

I am thankful for my Family. They have been there for me, in all the right ways when i need them most. Nothing extra, nothing uncecessary, nothing annoying. Just asking the right questions and no more, saying the right things and no more. It's amazing how much that is.

I am thankful for Love. The fact that really, no matter how much you screw up, and even when you put yourself down the worst, there are people who won't give up on you. God, naturally is Chief among these Love sources. Even if you're a wreck...He still loves you, like parents still love their deadbeat lazy ass children. Of course they admit that you're rather useless, but more than that is that while they will love you either ways, they'd really like to see you do better...

I am thankful for this week. And all the little things that happen that grow into milestones a little while down the road. Small victories...

I am thankful for the super witty book i'm reading. All i'm saying, is that there is something to Brit authors...a grasp of the English Language that their cousins across the pond just do not have a knack for. Sure they can construct a fascinating, epic, adventure, glitz filled story...But Brit writers have the ability to captivate you with nothing but the use of the words, even if the story itself is generally bland. The banter of it, the telling of it is simply delightful and you really don't mind where you're being taken...I have known the dialogue of two losers sitting on a train to be way more satisfying than a high speed chase involving complicated codes and ample bossomed damsels...but that's just me...I have a thing for words...

I am thankful for the movies i've seen this week...been playing Russian Roulette with those..and i like what's turned up...they haven't left me indifferent..

I am thankful for music...

I am thankful for the people in my life, old and new

I am thankful for me. You have to be. You're stuck with yourself until the end of your days. Other people have the good fortune to be able to slap you with a restraining order..your predicament is a lifetime sentence...so better buddy up...

I am thankful for self improvement. I don't think people are born quite the way they are supposed to turn out at the end of it all. It's like a video game. You have a few basic individual qualities you start out with, and along the line you are presented with choices and options and guides and how-to manuals. You pick and choose, undo, start over again, trying to get it right...At least that's what i'm trying to do...

I am thankful for Other People...somewhere i read that people are just angels with one wing, and we need to hug another person so we can fly... Helper or Helpee...everybody wins when one person is there for another person, knowingly or unknowingly.

I am thankful for expression

I am thankful for alone time...

I am thankful for food :)

I am thankful for Lion Bars...no seriously...they are underratedly delicious

I am thankful for stands taken...Doing the right thing always feels good afterwards...even if you feel ripped out of your comfort zone...Just trust Him

I am thankful for God.

I am thankful for His persistence....seriously, i need to write one of those dual meaning novels about how God loves us...so it's relatable to, you see...He's like the lover that is always there for you, ever patient, and never ever leaves. It's just...shaming that i don't think about it like that sometimes and act unappreciative

I am thankful for Contentment...that was what this post was going to be about, you know...but i'll get to it...I am Content. it doesn't mean that i am against things changing or getting better, it means that at every second of the present, i am wholly thankful of where i'm at and trust that it's right.

I am thankful for Faith

I am thankful for forgiveness

I am thankful...okay, at this point this post demands that i think deep and come up with other things that i am thankful for. There are, trees and Life and laughter and heels and water and on and on and on....but simultaneously there seem to be things i'm confused about, in conflict over, and the moment my brain senses them on the periphery, it shuts off and refuses to process....lol it is emotional cowardness...write letters, i shall forward them to my brain :)

I am truly, completely thankful for my life, for every day, and for every new thing i learn that adds to building the me i'm supposed to become...good, bad and ugly...although...the wise thing is to try as much as possible to learn from the good stuff, so you don't have to go through bad and ugly...

And with a quote on the theme, i am off to sleep land...

We learn from the mistakes of others (or are supposed to anyways), but from our own mistakes, we grow...

Thankful Friday: The Way Things Are...

For the record, i'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be, quite the opposite. There is little point in writing about all the ways in which i fall. I idealize, theorise, try to rationalise and find a way out of the mistakes i've made. This blog is to encourage, and not only myself. If anyone thinks that i am, lying in any way, pretending to be someone i'm not..then you probably reason with your ass...Through out actions we right wrongs and move towards an objective, that i've made mistakes contrary to what i write does not mean that i am schizophrenic. Detailing every wrong i've done in order to prove anything to anybody is...i'm sure every sane person can generate an adjective concerning that...

What is a shame is when you let people in, and well..it's our fault for thinking that they were any way other than the way they are...It's all good... Everybody has a right to be themselves...

I am thankful for Life

I am thankful for His Grace

I am thankful that He's always there

I am thankful that He has a plan, and does anything necessary to make it work

I am thankful for my girlieees!!!...Mizz Sexy, Mizz D....

I am thankful for my family

I am thankful for Me...yes. just the way i am...scratches, cuts, mistakes and all...

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for love

I am thankful for literature

I am thankful it's Friday

I am thankful for Time

I am thankful for intelligence

I am thankful for patience

I am thankful for understanding

I am thankful for each and every day

I am thankful that i am so blessed...at any moment in my life, my blessings outweigh my misfortunes....

Thankful Thursday: Make like Mollusk

....And protect your delicate mushy insides. If they are going to be poked and prodded and all round hurt...you have a shell..clamp that down and make a pearl until the time comes where you give it to a pretty little girl with bows in her hair who will go...wow that's beautiful!

I don't talk fast, it's just hard for people to play catchup...it takes years and patience to become attuned to me if it doesn't happen as kismet...but when it does happen..it's fun all around...in an attempt to characterise it...i am a champion Scattergories player...i have word associations and if you don't know how to listen..blink and it's gone...all the subtlety is in the subtext, satire..see why i wuv Oscar and Bill S?...then again, understanding is by no means mandatory, but oh boy is it fun when i don't have to waste precious time explaining the complexity....ah well

I wasn't going to write a TT..needed to have a shift in attitude towards writing how i say, what i say..lol or maybe i just need to STFU for a while..i chatter too much as it seems...

However! i had a superduperawesome day today and i just needed to acknowledge and point out that i am thankful for it...

I am thankful for that lecturer ooo! lol i could go on and on...he is a superhero...when he is not breaking our Wills into a thousand tiny pieces...even if you want to die in the process, he will make SURE that you die with a backbone.... He cares yo! and for that, he has more than our respect...

I am thankful for my Family....My mommmyyy is my rock, the girls....on that whole getting me thing....i have trained them well....we just have so.much.fun because there's no need to stop and explain...okay except when they have to explain to my ancient self :P They are soo intelligent and wise...especially my sage-like Angel :P

I am thankful....for sammiches..don't ask

I am thankful for friends...

I am thankful for variety

I am thankful for Him

I am thankful for what He knows He's doing right now....heaven knows i need Him to physically intervene...and he's doing that beautifully

I am thankful for peace of mind...me, backpack and all, are heading towards it..it's hard, i won't lie...me i'm like a firecracker and keeping a temper inside feels a whole lot like your insides are burning...i am not a surpressing sort of person...but we all have the ability to change things so...LGT

I am thankful for sparkly water

I am thankful for Love

I am thankful for that stranger who made my week on Tuesday...people don't *have*to go out of their ways to be nice to anybody...but when they do....damn near breaks your heart...so make an effort to be nice, do something, say something...you have no idea the effect that will have on a person...

I am Thankful for sleep

I am thankful for yoochoob

I am thankful that i am ME.

I am thankful that i have friends who are just perfect, and i won't trade...

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for sugar and spice and everything nice

I am thankful for communication...even when i wave my hands around and i am smiled at amusedly..important part is that i was got and evaluated fairly :P

I am thankful....

Thankful Thursday: The Wheels of the Bus go Round and Round

And i'm a little bit of grit on the wheel that has spun me underneath itself...

Q:How loud do you have to scream for what you're not saying to be heard?

A:Loud enough so you're hoarse, or not at all..

Heyyy...So not hyper today..maybe i'm just too tired to break out the pompoms, because i know i ought to be proactive about my happiness...What i'm doing instead is being a little Eyore and adopting Charlie Brown's depressed stance..you know you have to stand a certain way to be unhappy or it won't work at all :P

More than anything it's this emptiness that's screaming at me that there's something i need to do, but i try harder to shut it up than to listen...again, not right...

I am thankful for Life

I am thankful that the sun shows itself a lot more these days

I am thankful for Uni..it does have its highlights

I am thankful for music...it makes me happy while the song lasts..

I am thankful for my momma...she's the best...she's perfect the way she is..i am thankful that He gave her to me..

I am thankful for my sisters...Angel makes me proud with each story i hear

I am thankful for my "adopted" fam :P

I am thankful for my godmother

I am thankful for literature

I am thankful for sleep

I am thankful for water

I am thankful for blogger

I am thankful for expression

I am thankful for numbness...it's being a turtle, but it's sooooo much better than being sad..

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for smiles

I am thankful for my hedgehogs :P don't judge!

I am thankful for thoughtfulness...V brightened my week with her love...and she didn't have to

I am thankful for people being psychic :P

I am thankful for my very psychic friends...i dunno how i would have gone through some moments without their oblivious kindness

I am thankful for prayer

I am thankful that Spring is almost here

I am thankful...

Thankful Thursday: Subtle things

I was going to type "Subtlety" but i don't have spellcheck and i am too lazy to check it...and so i decided to leave it...see, i was going to type "forego"..but again..spellecheck...So all this shall be taken in stride :P

Yesterday, i had a panic moment where i compared myself to people i think are successful and thought..oh wow...i'm not doing that! i am SUCH a looser...and had my i-feel-like-a-looser 5 minutes. Then, out of bitterness (wrong, i know) i grudgingly gave in to the push to just pray...two words into the prayer and a very calming answer hit me...will you RELAX? That is not your story. That is not for you. Everybody cannot become The Sartorialist or Philip Pullman, you know? That is their role to play, and you do not, as a person, suck because you are not being successful at what they do.

We all have our scripts planned out, our strengths and weaknesses that are unique to us (well at least in that combination and under that star sign and gender and geographical location and height and hair length and interests and such forth...) and if anything...our job is to identify them, and work WITH them, not be resentful of them. This does not mean you cannot learn from, or be appreciative of other people's gifts...it's a big happy talent party! Do you...I know the theme has practically been raped...but be an individual, that's all you were made to be. Be you, and unapologetically so...

It's interesting how what i just typed is kinda roughly what i had in mind already, and wasn't sure i wanted to go with it...but at the end of the last paragraph, i saw just how it relates directly to the thought that inspired this title. I was watching Desperate Housewives just now, and was taken with Eva Longoria's fingers (oooh do i have a foot and hand fetish...hush)..It wasn't in any perverted sort of way, however..It was the fact that..it's fingers, for crying out loud..everybody has them...and yet you'll be stumped to find a pair of hands exactly the same..the nail bed is different, the fingers are longer, shorter, bonier, chubby, big, small...you see? Then i realized i've been fascinated with faces pretty much the same way since i was small and used to "draw" and never be able to get the same face twice, or how on The Sims, you could make so many tiny modifications that completely change a face..eyebrow hight, length, thickness, eyelids lips, jaw...

My point, then, is this: There are so many subtle things that make each person in a way that's not repeatable. The way you are born aside, every conversation, every walk, every bus ride...people meet different people and have completely different conversations, different experiences...this is another moment that calmed me down...Do i not trust Him? What am i panicking for? He has charted everthing in my life just so, that nothing is wasted...every experience goes into storage and waits for when it meets another moment and is used (okaaay cheeesy!) But it's true...It's like..Q and A (or Slumdog Millionaire for you strange movie obsessed people)..It looks a lot like coincidence...but everything that you go through WILL be put to good use at some point...skills learned, pains experienced, even if they scarred you bad...You just might be in a position to understand somebody else that needs you more than you ever will know...

So it doesn't matter if your role is in the spotlight, or goes unobserved...it is equally important. It is to us that glitz is THE objective...i believe that to God...lives and people are important. Be That Kenyan Boy, or be the janitor that listens to the stressed out CEO when he needs it...If you are able to touch a life and be there, directly, indirectly (God bless Avenged Sevenfold. Amen.) Then you, my dear, are a Star.

I am thankful for Life

I am thankful for His work in mine

I am thankful for the Internet

I am thankful for NaijaFineBoy and for Chammie for getting me on Blogger, i am thankful for everyone who's kept me here...I love each and every one of you..even if i need to get round and comment and SHOW it....#ListOfThingsToDo

I am thankful for my Family. They are my rock.

I am thankful for my Friends...had a weird couple of days last week...they listened, they were patient, they made me laugh, and they ignored my pouting, and they also sent me links at the right times and didn't even know...I am thankful for my guardian angels!

I am thankful for happiness, for Joy

I am thankful for Lisovoii...lolz..i wasn't going to type it, but then it hit me that it rhymed...He's an amazing teacher, and he doesn't "have" to do what he does, going the extra mile to raise us like his children/siblings whatever works for our age correlations...

I am thankful for communication...i am weird and awkward at it (best believe..pay no mind to the epistles i type..once it goes personal i loose my voice) but one strangled word after the other, one disjointed sentence after the other, i manage to choke it out...but that's not even the good part...I am thankful that all that madness is understood...that is communication

I am thankful for S...reallytruly thankful. Every day.

I am thankful for Love..sometimes i love it, some days, i cannot understand what is good about it (again, cynicism :P)...but honestly and without tantrums? Love is an amazing, powerful force. Embrace it.

I am thankful for that A today..how could i forget...the nerves i left in that classroom!

I am thankful for Uni...and how it generally goes super for me :P i am blessed

I am thankful that i am so blessed

I am thankful for yesterday's SCL post about the prodigal son...God did not love him more when he returned... He loved him all along..the thick skull only got to see it again when he came back...gotta keep that in mind, but NEVER EVER forget that He loves you no matter what..whether you think you deserve it or not...Relient K said...the beauty of Grace is that i makes life not fair...because when you analyse it with our understanding..there is nothing to be loved for..

I am thankful for me. issues and all...

I am thankful that He doesn't leave me...this is proved to me everytime i feel useless and i force myself to type something and all of a sudden i cannot shut up, when i thought i had NO inspiration whatsoever...i believe that the times where i do have weird short posts..i must have put a loooot of effort into restraining myself...

I am thankful for every new day

I am thankful that there is SO much to learn...so much

I am thankful for everytime He shifts my paradigm...we get so caught up in our boxes of "how to be" and not questioning that we forget that there are other options...funny story i saw on MLIA...little girl made all the minuses on her math test into plusses...Chick was NOT in the mood for subtraction that day, and she added instead...and you know what? i agree with her.. We stop ourselves from seeing options...I mean..sheep are needed...but it's her that will find her way over, around or through, but by God will she get past that mountain..that's all i'm saying

I am thankful for MLIA....best positivity boost ever!

I am thankful for this week...it is/went by as quick as i prayed

I am thankful for my Godmother and the time we spend together

I am thankful for S. He is a blessing to me. Ups and downs and life in general tend to make us loose sight of just how awesome people are, we get "used" to them and their awesomeness and start slacking in consciously stepping aside to appreciate them every day.. but my days is he a wonderful person..even if he doesn't like pickles or mustard *roll eyes dramatically* I love you baby!

I am thankful for fooood :D yummy yummy happiness bringer

I am thankful for music

I am thankful that February means we're that much closer to warmth..Hello Mr. Golden Sun? i MISS you!!!!!!!!!

I am thankful for BBM! you kiddin me?!

I am thankful for that little doggie that came out of nowhere on a morning when i was well on my way to being miserable the whole day...he melted my soul...gotta be like him...no frontin...he walked up to me and smothered me with his innocent puppy luff (do NOT say he was just hungry...it was a moment jor!)

I am thankful that i have so much to be thankful for....Thinking about everything, and how some people have it..i have no right to make any complaints whatsoever...but it would be biased to say that, because if i am not to be looking at the "happy" people's life path, i shouldn't be comparing here either...So i'll make notes, but ultimately...that is not your life...face your own. Abi you don solve am finish?

I am thankful for my wonderful sisters..they could go under family...but them little babies have grown into fascinating, intelligent beautiful girls that i can *gasp* talk to!

I am thankful!!!

Thankful Thursday: I believe in Miracles....you sexy thing...

Hmm jumble post. Fragments of things. Prayer, Miracles and the fact that you cannot pretend or ignore most things away....lol...listing them out was mostly for my benefit, before my mosquito attention span works its wonder...We shall start from the last..

It's nothing i can go into detail about, but it's worth mentioning because i found myself crying my eyes out yesterday over what i have not known was an issue for most of my life. I have pretended, or convinced myself it was okay, even told myself of the positive that came of it...and then yesterday..i realized i had a lot of hurt and regrets i couldn't explain away, had no start point to pin them to, no box, so they just hung around..crushing and unsolvable..i shouldn't even use the past tense..they are still there...However, they say admitting is the first step, acknowledging the existence of this problem IS a big deal...So i guess i'm thankful for it...the lesson out of it is that no matter how long you pretend, lie to yourself, even manage to believe in the pretence..that's like a bandage on a wound that needs stitches..but then again...there is a time for everything..maybe delusion was necessary all the while it lasted...sooner or later though, we have to confront things, because they don't go anywhere, they only play catch up..so the sooner, the better...

Prayer and Miracles i could lump as one, seeing as my prayers always lead to miracles...Now you know that miracles to me don't mean snow in the Kalahari. Miracles are in everything i see God's work in..be it tiny, or huge jaw droppingly OMG inspiring..I have a soft spot for the little things..because then i feel God right there with me in the most mundane of things. Prayer, cannot be overhyped. I know i'm acting like i just discovered that things grow out of the ground and feel the need to spread the wonderful news to everyone, but after forgetting for so long...yea....Prayer!!! seriously!..i'm still learning even..but i will say that it's most definitely rewarding. You should try it, genuinely and honestly, before knocking it, because when you do, and pay attention to the fact that God DOES respond...it's surreal...like you can see results..and all you can be is awestruck...A recent example of my awestruckness is the fact that last night, i was in some weird melancholy mood when i got into bed..mumbling a prayer, i prayed to learn to pray again, and even more than that, to listen...So i'm lying there, already drifting to la la land and flipping through memories of things, when Quacky comes into my mind full force...I went through how we met first day in ss1, our jokes, our adventures, how totally awesome and selfless and beautiful this person is and it seriously overwhelmed me how much i love my friend. Then i felt...omg i must tell her! i must! it was late so i was thinking it will be an offline sort of thing...and i typed it out...and she wasn't sleeping..and well, it will suffice to say that we had a very emotional before bed conversation...Quacky ROCKS!! and i feel so blessed to have her in my lifem ss1 was worth it, everything we've been through is worth it...Anywho :'( lol...turns out she was also in a weird sort of mood and had needed cheering up...it's just amazing how with that, we were there for each other when we needed it..and didn't even know or nothing...for me, that is a miracle. And as we concured, God is one awesome Somborry!

Sooo that's this Thursday... Life seems to be a series of situations thrown at you, Up ones and Down ones, and it's up to us to choose if we ride the wave as is, or we skip form Up to Up as much as we can..because we do have a choice...and lately i realize i've been struggling very hard to Un-know this. Yes, it's shameful...i find myself trying (knowing full well the truth) to hang on to some to the left upsetting emotions and paranoia because they fuel self pity and anger and resentment which i totally need to be rebellious and angry and sharp tongued...and i realize the ridiculousness of it...and for some reason it seems more tempting to be angry and upset than to let go and ignore paranoia and be bloody happy...but nooo..misery and negativity is all shimmery there and for heaven knows what reason, it's more satisfying to curse than it is to ignore and move on...Seriously..isn't that quite the illusion? How, on the most left/right, black/white level, is one better than the other?

Choosing the right (happier :) ) way seems like, and IS the sensible way to go...but what makes it more tempting then, to give into tantrum throwing and sulking? So many questions...Ah yes...i was making the point about the fact that it IS a choice..one that when it comes down to it, we are just too lazy to make...for reasons that are yet to be coherently revealed to me..but again..baby steps...for now, it's Natalie Grant's "I will not be Moved" that's my inspiration..beautiful lyrics, and soooooo perfect for this moment in my life. She goes : i will stumble, i will fall down, but i will not be moved, i will make mistakes, i will face heartache, but i will not be moved...and such forth..in fact...the first verse is the story of my life...but i'm discovering Him again, and if i have any sense, i will hang on..restore the va va voom to this relationship!!!! now for the verse..

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

...As i said...story of my life...

I am thankful for this post...honestly i was reluctant to type it cuz i thought...eh, i don't know what to write jor, i was freshly (with a lot of personal encouragement) upset, and unwilling to be positive about anything..all cynical and..yea...i'm working on this...i got to typing didn't i? it's a lesson in trust again..just the other day i was looking for the verse that says about (to Paul and Peter i think..no not the Okoyes :P ) not being anxious or worried about what to preach beforehand, because when the time comes, He will give you what to say...what can i say..i rest my case...and i do trust Him.

I am thankful for my family...God stuck me with the perfect bunch of people who have no choice but to love me and i them...

I am thankful for my relationship with S...in line with everything being interconnected...i have learned, and am learning so much from it each day...

I am thankful for S, who he is and for his support :P me 1: nico 0..booya!

I am thankful for jokes

I am thankful that even if this might technically be wrong...hurling something across a room does wonders for your mood...

I am thankful for my friends...again..Angels that God puts in your life. Angels! like, the way i love them...ya dunno meynn :P

I am thankful for the internet...and all the info it puts you in touch with...ahem...yes, watching The real Housewives of Beverly Hills is informative! and i'm ENJOYING it...shut up.

I am thankful for God..and His patience with me, unending forgiveness, understanding and support...cannot be easy..again i say...i woulda smacked my head off tey tey

I am thankful for understanding...

I am thankful for progress

I am thankful that God is as cool as you allow yourself to acknowledge...if you think God is distant, cold and mean..it's time to re-evaluate your power of short sighted assumption and your athletic prowess in jumping to conclusions...

I am thankful that He listens..

I am thankful that He speaks...through everything...

I am thankful that He acts...i can make a very direct connection between Him making me go cold turkey cut off on a coupple of things and the improvement in our relationship...

I am thankful for words

I am thankful for communiation

I am thankful for putting down walls and formality and...lol CC as i will call her put up the status that i have been visualizing for a week...in summary...there is no need to be acting all formal and "proper" with God (or anyone that's worth it really), because it will lead you nowhere...abi everything is okay and you are doing well? ngwanu carry on....nahh...i'm having to learn that if i have to show the world my "of course i have it all together" face, then God is who i can come to and cry and tell just how messed up i am and where i need help...He sometimes delegates the duty of hearing me out to the mommy and a few aformentioned angels...like "God in me" says...What they don't know is when she come home, she gets on her knees....yea... He gives you the support you need to hold it together in the scary scary public...

I am thankful that in line with most things being a cycle..it will swing round, and those things that used to be that are not so much anymore and that i miss will be here again...lol i know..cryptic cryptic me...but i have to universalize these things!

I am thankful for music

I am thankful for inspiration

I am thankful for my future babies ^_^..the twins, Fruit n Fibre, or Salt and Pepper :P teehee...it's all these shows..i blame them...but they have me wanting to press fast forward...Kendra, Kourtney...I am kuku thankful for parents who LOVE their kids..i'm not one to judge how who expresses their love, but i'm a softie for the hands on parents, who get that there is nothing more important in a child's life than their parents involvement and and.....lol i'm a softie :P

I am thankful for my Uni..lecturers, friends, food and all

I am thankful that i get to be thankful

I am thankful for prayer

I am thankful that He's dragging me along again...cuz my my do i need help on this :D

What are you thankful for? take a min and push out the tempting negativity and focus on what you do have to be thankful for...Not with resentment...If you hate something, there is no need ti be grudgingly thankful...wait for that until the time is right and you find a reason why you are genuinely thankful for it...oya! count your blessings name them one by one...:P

Listen though...Pray and listen...

Have a blessed week..

OOOh...awareness..i am thankful for awareness...been inert way too long...

Thankful Thursday: It's this thing..when you feel it inside, it's right...

It's before 12, so i insist that i made my deadline! No electricity and all :P

Two things on my mind...Joy, and well..this story with Quacky I'll start with Quacky cuz it leads to the joy bit...See like two days ago, while joking about how we'd market Holy Shampoo and Holy bodywash and a whole lot of that nonsense, i, in the spirit of the joking told Quacks that i liked her vision. See we hadn't talked in a while, and i didn't know wussup...So we talk on a bit, and she brings me back to that moment...Turns out that my French Duckie DOES have a vision, a beautiful mission to change the youth, to wake a whole lot of people up from this superficiality we now seem to bask in....We had a super duper conversation on that (it's all serious and paperwork and churches and things...i am too proud of her!)..then i get to the personal bit for me.

Seeing as Quacks vision is God and religion based...She brought it up, that i could help and we could write and...well i couldn't very well sign on with a lie, now could i? So i told her...i'd help where i can, but i have to tell you that me, i'm kinda on rocky terrain with God right now...I know all the ad libs and all the passages, i'd write the textbook in a heartbeat...i mostly know what i need to change, and i know God will see me through and this and that...and She told me that....The point of this preamble is that i told her; i cannot go through the motions and pretend that all is good with God. I've been there, it frustrated me so much i ran away again. I cannot do devotions and read my bible earlier than the time.

See i believe in that. Nothing is coincidence (like the convo, and whats with me now, for instance), and everything happens when it's supposed to, for it's own reasons. I've had intense periods of being all in tune with God....and that's cool...it was productive and played it's role...When that alloted time is done...it's like i go into hibernation and nothing happens...then the time comes again and me and Him work...i have more or less come to accept this for now...I do not regard the lags as time wasted...it was time given to me to gather those experiences and learn those lessons, which always seem to play key roles in the me and God times that follow...and now.. it feels right inside, see

As this blog is called, it's my God and me. It's personal, it's my own relationship with God...i am learning to pay attention to cues, to recognise the ups and downs and patterns...it works for us..discover for yourself the sort of thing you have going with Him..it's amazing..it really is...but most important, i think..is to listen and not fight it...just Trust Him...

And so...after a lot of months of being just meh...and last week's depression...for the last two days...i have been happy..lol know how they say it's darkest before it gets light?...I am still trying to get used to it...like..i could be standing, then i'm so overcome with this joy that i want to break out in giggles...yea...i know it sounds weird...it's like..i feel a peace i haven't felt in a while...I guess it takes reaching rock bottom before you can go up again...still on it getting darkest...homesickness, crankyness...then i foolishly went and got in a fight with S....meh...that too played it's role...at one point i just saw my mumuishness clearly and realized that i entertain one too many foolish thoughts sometimes. Thoughts that do nothing but make you walk around like a storm cloud ready to drop at any moment....and such...as i said...everything plays its role in moving you towards the light at the end of that tunnel....there's a beautiful explanation in Shantaram..but it's long...in summary..it is Good. If it ultimately moves you to the light..it is good.

So..i let go, rather subcounsciously, even, of a lot of foolish notions...and i'm now swamped with all this peace and happiness and....and i feel like i'm all set to hang out with Him again...like...i want it, i'm ready to listen...not shutting Him out, but looking for His words...it's..nice..i missed it...

For everything above, i am thankful

I am thankful for life

I am thankful for family

I am thankful for friends

I am thankful for love

I am thankful for cooking...number 1 de-stresser!

I am thankful for communication

I am thankful for when S says all the right things at the right time without even knowing...

I am thankful for my boyfriend...he is the bestester....

I am thankful for my bed! oh how inseparable we've been..

I am thankful that there's an upside to everything...no light? Candle light bath!

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for my sisters...they are my angels!

I am thankful for each day

I am thankful for lessons learned

I am thankful that nothing is random

I am thankful that He uses everything to speak to you

I am thankful for forgiveness and second chances

I am thankful for understanding and being understood

I am thankful for little things

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for this JOY!!!! i wish it on everyone...

be good now...x

Thankful Thursday: It's this thing..when you feel it inside, it's right...

It's before 12, so i insist that i made my deadline! No electricity and all :P

Two things on my mind...Joy, and well..this story with Quacky I'll start with Quacky cuz it leads to the joy bit...See like two days ago, while joking about how we'd market Holy Shampoo and Holy bodywash and a whole lot of that nonsense, i, in the spirit of the joking told Quacks that i liked her vision. See we hadn't talked in a while, and i didn't know wussup...So we talk on a bit, and she brings me back to that moment...Turns out that my French Duckie DOES have a vision, a beautiful mission to change the youth, to wake a whole lot of people up from this superficiality we now seem to bask in....We had a super duper conversation on that (it's all serious and paperwork and churches and things...i am too proud of her!)..then i get to the personal bit for me.

Seeing as Quacks vision is God and religion based...She brought it up, that i could help and we could write and...well i couldn't very well sign on with a lie, now could i? So i told her...i'd help where i can, but i have to tell you that me, i'm kinda on rocky terrain with God right now...I know all the ad libs and all the passages, i'd write the textbook in a heartbeat...i mostly know what i need to change, and i know God will see me through and this and that...and She told me that....The point of this preamble is that i told her; i cannot go through the motions and pretend that all is good with God. I've been there, it frustrated me so much i ran away again. I cannot do devotions and read my bible earlier than the time.

See i believe in that. Nothing is coincidence (like the convo, and whats with me now, for instance), and everything happens when it's supposed to, for it's own reasons. I've had intense periods of being all in tune with God....and that's cool...it was productive and played it's role...When that alloted time is done...it's like i go into hibernation and nothing happens...then the time comes again and me and Him work...i have more or less come to accept this for now...I do not regard the kags as time wasted...it was time given to me to gather those experiences and learn those lessons, which always seem to play key roles in the me and God times that follow...

As this blog is called, it's my God and me. It's personal, it's my own relationship with God...i am learning to pay attention to cues, to recognise the ups and downs and patterns...it works for us..discover for yourself the sort of thing you have going with Him..it's amazing..it really is...but most important, i think..is to listen and not fight it...just Trust Him...

And so...after a lot of months of being just meh...and last week's depression...for the last two days...i have been happy..lol know how they say it's darkest before it gets light?...I am still trying to get used to it...like..i could be standing, then i'm so overcome with this joy that i want to break out in giggles...yea...i know it sounds weird...it's like..i feel a peace i haven't felt in a while...I guess it takes reaching rock bottom before you can go up again...still on it getting darkest...homesickness, crankyness...then i foolishly went and got in a fight with S....meh...that too played it's role...at one point i just saw my mumuishness clearly and realized that i entertain one too many foolish thoughts sometimes. Thoughts that do nothing but make you walk around like a storm cloud ready to drop at any moment....and such...as i said...everything plays its role in moving you towards the light at the end of that tunnel....there's a beautiful explanation in Shantaram..but it's long...in summary..it is Good. If it ultimately moves you to the light..it is good.

So..i let go, rather subcounsciously, even, of a lot of foolish notions...and i'm now swamped with all this peace and happiness and....and i feel like i'm all set to hang out with Him again...like...i want it, i'm ready to listen...not shutting Him out, but looking for His words...it's..nice..i missed it...

For everything above, i am thankful

I am thankful for life

I am thankful for family

I am thankful for friends

I am thankful for love

I am thankful for cooking...number 1 de-stresser!

I am thankful for communication

I am thankful for when S says all the right things at the right time without even knowing...

I am thankful for my boyfriend...he is the bestester....

I am thankful for my bed! oh how inseparable we've been..

I am thankful that there's an upside to everything...no light? Candle light bath!

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for my sisters...they are my angels!

I am thankful for each day

I am thankful for lessons learned

I am thankful that nothing is random

I am thankful that He uses everything to speak to you

I am thankful for forgiveness and second chances

I am thankful for understanding and being understood

I am thankful for little things

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for this JOY!!!! i wish it on everyone...

be good now...x

Thankful Thursday: Funhouse

This used to be a funhouse....but now it's full of evil clowns...

I love P!nk...and this song seems rather definitive of the sad parts of where i'm currently at..

call the movers, call the maids, we'll try to exorcise this place...

'

All my thoughts have abandoned me, but that is okay, i've thought them, they've played their role..not much point writing them down..

I am thankful. I have never stopped being so...for even when i am in full blown misery and hate mode, He smothers me with reasons to be thankful...and that i cannot ignore...really...He makes you see just how trivial some things are.

I am thankful for life...because as long as, and while there is life...then there is something to look forward to and no hope is lost..the possibilities and dynamics of it fascinate me..the only direction you get to move in is forward, whether you like it or not, want it or not...and that just might be the best part..no matter what happens, you pick yourself up and keep going...or sit down and get tumbled along anyways..your choice really..

I am thankful for God...i'm a long way away...but we both know it's temporary..been here, got out...i am too thick to learn apparently :P

I am thankful for lessons

I am thankful for His plans...if you planned it, it wouldn't have been as perfect as the way it turns out when you don't even think of it..

I am thankful for what we choose to call coincidences...i believe that nothing is by mistake, and nothing goes without a continuation connected to you somewhere, somehow...years on, seconds away...it's one huge web...

I am thankful for my new frands! best trip back to Kiev ever...kick ass people do exist! totally distracted me from being miserable and homesick..

I am thankful that i am actually writing this much..

I am thankful that it suffocates me to pretend...i'd rather that than be good at it..so yea, maybe sometimes i'm naive and drastic and hot or cold but never in between, but pretence does not sit well on me..

I am thankful for my friends

I am thankful for my family and the awesome awesome time i got to spend with them :)

I am thankful for makeup :P

I am thankful for lotions and potions and all that yummy stuff...

I am thankful for my Mommmmyyy!!! best.mommy.ever!

I am thankfuk for my father..

I am thankful that i have so much to learn...the prospect of it is delicious...this is why i don't too much mind this prodigal phase...being all goodygoody has this annoying potential of protecting you from learning..

I am thankful for me grandparents

I am thankful for books...Shantaram is THE best book i've read in a loong while...i am in love with it!

I am thankful for love..whatever it is..i need to learn to recognize and appreciate it even when it's not in the prejudiced love-hearts and huggie-bears way we insist on idealizing it...it's tricky though...

I am thankful for thoughtfulness

I am thankful for care

I am thankful for genuine people

I am thankful for understanding and patience

I am thankful for the world

I am thankful for every person who brings other people happiness and love..

I am thankful for nature

I am thankful...