Thankful Thursday: Step 1, learning to read.

This post, i'll start with a huge Thank You to Him for everything that's inspired it, both the things i am able to communicate and the ones that remain just out of reach, that refuse to be written down things. Secretly, i suspect that they are a stronger force than even the things i can/try to peg down and analyse.

It feels like i've been in hibernation, then in a month and a half, with increasing intensity, i'm being taken apart and put back together over and over again, better each time. It's the start of something..or just a necessary phase...but it feels good. Like the aches you feel all over when you work out (ahem...yes...work out ;)...about that...walking counts!)

It's going by me so fast, like i'm on a crash course of something...I don't think i've ever stood aside and seen me the way i have in the last couple of weeks, i am learning(love that!) so much about..well..me, growing up, what i want, what i need. A lot of difficult decisions have been, and have to be made..but somehow it's okay, it's reassuring, it's easier knowing that it's for the best. Nothing good ever came without sacrifice...i embrace growth...gaaaah there's so much emotion right now and it's frustrating not being to just transfer the picture in my head to this here post. It's radical! it's a breath of fresh air! it feels right...

One of the epiphanies i had a couple of days ago was that where i am now, this crossroads or empty lot or whatever metaphor/visual works is good for me. No, no, no don't disimiss this point. When you don't realize/accept that you are where you need to be, you start looking for a way out, instead of getting comfortable and learning the lesson of the day. It's just going to be time wasted, because with the way He works..there will be no lesson skipped...He is patient..He has all of Time to wait..so when you're done struggling against, you WILL learn that lesson, and only then can you move on. Me, i'm thirsty, like, let's get this show on the ROAD!

In line with this, is realization that dawned on me this evening while watching this interview with some tranny (SUPER FOINE!..when she wasn't speakin sha..cuz that bass....phew) and some producer guy who i don't know, but will track down the interview of, because this unassuming bald pudgy fella was exuding some kind of relaxed wisdom that is the exact brand of what i'm shooting for. Not that he's the bees knees...but there are a couple of things i won't mind learning, knaamean? Now, beside the point. Some of what he said was basically the story of my life. Okay, not the ENTIRE story..but bits i could relate to without even tweaking...But then the light in which he said it made me realize that he seemed to know more about what i was looking for being in those situations that me in them.

It's being drawn to something, vaguely knowing that there's a thing which attracts you about it, yet if asked, you mumble and can't quite place your finger on it. This whole episode made me see things a bit differently. That i might be in these situations thinking to learn from them (and that i do! no offence to them in any way) but at the same time, i need to learn to read His intentions better.

He's a bit more complex than giving you a thing with one meaning. Be it a blessing, a challenge...So (i just really need to spell this out for me :P) It's not so much about just learning, but also about having all these different situations i'm thrown into challenge me to be the best version of me that i have the potential of being. That, was a long sentence.

So, it's not just about Uni, it's not just about friends, it's not just about incidences, coincidences, people and learning from them like you're in class..But also recognizing where the lesson is in fact indirect and you just need to pop into class, and be out of there, knowing what to work towards....you grab? :P Tyler Perry in one Production (i forget which) had this story about friends, acquaintances and i believe he likened them to a tree. How some are the leaves, some the branches, and some, the root system. Likewise experiences and well..everything in life, really. With time, you should learn to spot from a distance who is a leaf and is there for a season. Love and appreciate them, and be genuine for that season, and there are no hard feelings when that season is over. It does not in any way negate the experiences. Problems start when you try to make a seasonal leaf into a lifetime appendage...That's just unhealthy.

Everything in life is dynamic, it's all moving, changing..seasons, day to night, people being born, dying...that is life, change, moving on, metamorphosis. Some people are more sentimental than others, and this is their blessing and curse to bear until they wise up, or are matyred for it. To each his own. I, however, for now in any case, am being hinted in the direction of letting things go when they've run their course. No hard feelings...there are just other things that need to be seen, be heard..There is a time to learn, to gather to soak up, to grow...that is now. We never stop learning, and we teach along the way when and where we can, but the objective is also at some point to be able to share something...

Sharing. Another current motivating factor, directly tied to the epiphany. You cannot share what you do not have. You cannot have a conversation, you cannot give advice if you have nothing in you (i sense this is another post, potentially), so therefore, before you gwan start cleaving to people, work on yourself. In summary, that is it. You are your first and neverending project. The one you are constantly showing, having evaluated, and the one you and only you will answer for at the end. Deduction strongly hints that it's only advisable to do the best you can raising the person that you are. The world is open, there is everything to know, and you have time...i dunno....Heaven knows i've slacked on that front for months now. Again, there is a time for everything..that period is part of what is motivating me now..so i guess i can call it breaking even. Summary is this; If everything is taken from You, all you have left is you...might as well make that one badass you. It does take constant evaluation, constant awareness, and that favourite of every person (there is pure wisdom in this), work. It is work. It won't just happen to you, but if you identify what you do want for you...it gets better from there (say i, bursting with optimism). I do need to get back to me, and by jove will i make progress. It's sad to remain stuck in a rut...when all around you life is happening..NoThankYou!

Also. Cutting off. Like the learn to say Yes movements or the say No movements, another wise one is the cut off one. Again, sentimental sillies like myself have/used to :P have problems letting go..but then you realize that because of that, you are hanging on for way too long to what is not healthy for reasons you can't describe farther than...but it would be so rude to let go. It sounds cruel and terribly non-PC..but sometimes, in some things, you have to learn to be selfish. It is healthy selfishness. Like, weighing the pros and cons, you come to see that the (true story) negativity and lack of drive in someone close to you, or interest in self development as it appears holds you back in the large picture. It worked for a while, dismissing these things as "one of those things", but then you see that not only are they unchanging, but they are catching. So it's either they are potent, or you are weak..either ways...if it's not making you better...you're probably better off without...i dunno...these are thoughts as at now. Perhaps tomorrow i''ll be wiser and see it differently..and even then..it will be built upon this here experience so....

Whoa...i have typed an epistle. Making up for lost posts or something...

I am thankful for life

I am thankful for Love

I am thankful for epiphanies

I am thankful for Family

I am thankful for friends...i don't know where i'll be without them...

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for food :D

I am thankful for patience....of which i do need a bit more

I am thankful for plans....even if i'm still working out if i love them to bits, or can't stand them...they tend to fall through though..

I am thankful for fantasies...they keep you sane sometimes..your very own telenovela :D

I am thankful for boxing...yes, i know..awful awful violent...but i must have some sort of blood thirst :D

I am thankful for LIFEEEE!!! i cannot say enough or with a strong enough intensity how much i love life and the blessing of it

I am thankful for His blessings, His mercies, His love even if i have done precious little to deserve it

I am thankful for His patience....i know i require it doubledose :D

I am thankful for Prayer...i will be straight up honest..haven't had a good pray in ages...something holding me back...emptied myself over the last half year..and it's ridiculous that i feel like i have no ME to share with Him...He freakin gives me ME...so...i'm being counterproductive..need a good pray....i'm scared..

I am thankful for answered prayers. Even the ones that i don't consciously pray...He hears them.

I am thankful for Kindness. I believe in Kindness.

I am thankful for thoughtfulness.

I am thankful for getting to know yourself

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for the little things. It has gotten repetitive...but it's all about the little things

I am thankful for shoesss :D :D

I am thankful for writing. In this moment, i realized how ironic it is that pouring yourself out with these words can, instead of emptying you out, fill you with more than you had to start out with...#Therapy

I am thankful for music....Hush Hush and Chudo have helped me through a lot in the last few weeks. That is all there is to be said right about now.

I am thankful for Happiness...go out and GET IT!

I am even more thankful for JOY...

I am thankful for everything that has been in my life, is in my life, and will be...For i trust Him entirely and really need to learn to stop helping Him chart my course, but actually sit back and listen, as opposed to "reading" the "obvious" and quickly acting on that...

I AM THANKFUL!

:D

Also, Aloted, i love you :)

Thankful Thursday: Back to Basics

As always, i believe everything that happens in my life happens when it's supposed to, and there's a lesson to be learned. So before joking about how i've really been away for a while and apologising...it feels like it was meant to be...so...yea

Haven't written for several reasons it seems, none of which i have called by name; it's always..no time, no inspiration..but most of all, i think it's avoiding the vulnerability that it is...At the end, it's me opening up and letting in, even if it seems like the most average copy-style writing, to me, and maybe it will only ever be, to me it's kind of a big deal...sometimes i get all hedgehog-y and curl up in a ball, spikes out....well then..oooh of hedgehogs! we found one, proceeded to tear (his grip-toh bahd!) him (or her?) away from the plant or whatever he was hangingo on to and take him indoors...cutest friggin thing everrrr! growls like a champ tho...who would have thought?

Back to basics...

It feels like over this summer, i've packed in several years' worth of growing up...decisions i've misunderstood or struggled with for years now have become clear and it's like a breath of fresh air, really..like i'd been stumbling about and i was just pointed in the right direction. Now, i don't know if this is temporary, or long term...either ways, it's progress.

Back to basics...

It feels like in the world we live in, we are constantly being given a finished picture to work with. A large, complex version of reality that we ought to "be living now" or be losers. From pre-teen girls with full makeup and 4 inch heels trying to untie complicated grown up like emotions, to teens suffering major depression because they feel they fall short of what is considered to be "success", failing to see, to understand that this half way done complicated picture is not where you ought to start.

They don't tell us about the basics anymore. For some reason it's not fun enough, it's not glam enough...so we hit the ground running, without training or at least a good stretch, and basically end up closing our eyes and hoping for the best.

So many things have made me come to a complete stop and ask for some sanity. To stop the spinning, to stop the urgency, not even to clear the plate, but to at least see what i'm working with, and i've come to understand that i need a carte blanche, and a do-over. Not because of any regrets, not because i'm sorry for anything that has happened, but because i've come to see that maybe, just maybe, i need to learn my ABCs, even if i already know how to read. We forget, we get caught up in long sentences...We need to learn to slow it down, abandon pride and the sense of accomplishment that must not omly be matched, but supassed, and learn to learn it all over again. Not because we don't know..but because we could know it better. Everything that you will ever learn or achieve is built on something...you cannot learn algebra if you can't add...and even if you do learn to do the algebra..you'll do it by blind faith until you learn that 2+2 is 4 and not just believe that it is that...knaamean?

So that's my current epiphany...going back to basics, seeking out the elementary, in love, in life, in people, in work, in everything..slow down and go back to basics when it all overwhelms you. Go back to the start and retrace your steps...i don't even know what actions come under this new resolution of mine..or more like..i feel them...to put them in words is still a bit of a stretch, and slightly personal if anything...but..like when you loose something, you go back to the start, back to when and where you first had it, and retrace your steps until you get to where you are and remember why you're there, and where you're headed...

I am thankful for so much in my life right now, that cliche aside, it's this surge of emotions that make me want to cry, just cry tears of joy for His faithfulness, for His kindness, and the way He has my back. For every bad day i think i have, i get a million good ones, plus the insight that the so called "bad day" was a blessing too...

I am thankful that He has not, and does not abandon me, even when our relationship is less than traditional..I feel Him there, His presence is oh-so-vivid

I am thankful for laughter...

I am thankful for love. Nope, not the sappy, lets-hold-hands variety (even if i'm sure it's just gravy), but just...love...the one you feel for everybody...just for being humans (lol i growl at people too o! i have my i-hate-people days...) but...the love my family cocoons me in, the love i have for my friends...it might be "just a feeling"...but it can't be that trivial if it makes you feel JOY..just for no reason, you're joyful because of this love...

I am thankful for my family...they are the best!...even when they are driving me up the walls...we kiss and make up

I am thankful for understanding...in the sense of understanding things, those "it dawns on me" moments

I am thankful for understanding..in the sense of being understood and understanding other people...

I am thankful for jokes

I am thankful for UNI!!! 1st September, first day back...and i was soooo happy to see my coursemates! two years will make a family out of strangers...love their yeye heads to bits..we squabble, and we don't entirely agree with each other..but in bits and pieces, we find mutual interests...and that's okay

I am thankful for Choices...people have options, and that's okay...free them! the world will be happier

I am thankful...for being happy for people..genuinely not playa hating, but clapping on the back and telling them they did good and wishing them well sort of being happy for people...too many people just be puttin sand in other people's garri for no reason

I am thankful for growth....i am a long way from knowing anything..buh small small....through burns, stumbles, and straight out parking your face on the floor...we learn and grow..

I am thankful for hurt and pain and whatever other unpleasant feelings we may be forced to face every now and then..they push us to be the best we can, they prod us into growing...in the end, you look back and find it in your heart to be thankful to whatever it is that pained you and made you better...

I am thankful for kindness...there's nothing to it, it's completely free...but it's possibly one of the best things you could share...

I am thankful for smiles

I am thankful for compliments :D :D :D chei i love Kiev :D

I am thankful for well mannered/raised/what you will call it men/boys...well and girls too, but that's beside the point...there's something about it that just makes your jaw drop...and when you feel like a girly girl in the presense of a boy..you know he's doing something right..makes you want to track down everybody responsible and give them an award....While on that, a slight detour (mostly a note to me for a future post) that girls need these sort of males in their lives (fathers, brothers, cousins, uncles, etc etc), because when they grow up, they'll have clear set standards of the men they let in their lives and settle for nothing less.....

I am thankful for people that are there for you no matter what...whether it's a shoulder they give you, a hanky, a bottle and a pep talk, or just hear you out and see your side...i am thankful with my whole soul for these angels

I am thankful for learning

I am thankful for God

I am thankful that He answers all my prayers

I am thankful for all those walks and looking at the stars..for real...escape someplace with wide open spaces and no electricity and just stare at the sky #amazing!!!!!! puts you and your life in perspective..reassures you that there's more to life, that there's so much out there to learn, to know..to be awed by..

I am thankful that each new day is an adventure, full of little surprises

I am thankful for happiness, for joy...that if you decide to be, it will come your way...everywhere you look...oooh like that cute ass kid at the skate park today...gaddehmn i want one of those running around my house..he'll have me wrapped around his little finger..little cherub!

I am thankful for writing...and that i have this outlet..let it be that the words come out arseways...but it's good for me like that..monkey no fine but im mama like am..

I am thankful for the Internet!!! :D

I am thankful that we all have a chance for a re-think and a do-over

I am thankful that everybody that's been flying anywhere has gone and come safely

I am thankful for sleeeeeeeeeeep!!!!!! been scrimping on that lately

I am thankful for LIFE! for if we are alive...then the whole world is there to explore, and it can only go up from there...

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for positivity

oohi am thankful for this third cousin of mine that has been discovered.....the big brother i've been looking for all my life? *Hong Kong Phooey voice* Miiiight be!! :D hehe so many plans...

I am thankful for my great uncle and my great aunt and and the time we spent together

I am thankful for memories

I am thankful for simplicity

I am thankful for deciciveness (how dem dey spell am again?)

I am thankful for communication..

I am thankful for resolutions...i.am.going.to.be.happy.

I am thankful for fairness....i am the stomacher of a lot..unfairness still knocks me flat everytime..leaves me gasping and hyperventilating...

i am thankful.....