Thankful Thursday: Third times a charm...

I almost forgot today was Thursday. That is a result of several factors, including tiredness, and the fact that it's been a strange, irregular week..or so it seems..

However! i am not ruling out that i'm, well...in a different place than i was last week. I'm slippin, i'm sliding, i'm falling, i'm questioning. I've tried the "pretend it's all okay until you convince yourself it's okay route"..and it's not working. It just gets worse and worse and more depressing.

Fret not though, He is poining me in new directions, on a path to answers to the questions that plague me. I started writing... I got a notebook, and i write. I just write. Everything. No political correctness or ceremony or protocol. I have a question or a doubt? i write. I ask. I complain. I cry, i am sarcastic, i am brutally honest, i cut the bullshit. And i will write until i get answers.

In its own way, it's working for me. The more i write, the more answers i get, the more i'm comforted in some ways...and unsettled in some. It may be unconventional, but it's what's working for me now. I am really upset about the fact that i'm not zealous as i was a week ago. That upsets me. But the fact is i DO believe in God. It's other things that need ironing out...

There is so much contradiction, so many Why's, it drives me crazy. It has made me wish i was very brainwashable, so i can just skip this and accept every single thing i hear and read, no matter how glaringly dubious it looks. I mean, really? in the same place, i see black and white. But we only listen to white, because black no longer suits the way we think it ought to be, so you know, just ignore it...

Whatever, i did not plan to make this into a theology post. It is a personal thing that i need to sort out.

However, i am Thankful for:

Life

Family

Love

The fact that even through all this confusion, He still somehow finds an alternative path for me.

I am thankful for the fact that i still really am blessed

I am thankful that i can cry my pain away (no really!it's so convinient, what a good cry can do)

I am thankful that i can write my confusion away

I am thankful that i can reason

The guilt is killing me by the way, and i don't even know if i ought to be feeling this way. I wish there was a clear directive, and not so many interpretations and conditions for things to be a certain way.

This post seems shorter than the others. That does not mean i am less thankful...

I am thankful for Protection. I haven't had any run-ins with any funny skinhead characters, for instance

I am thankful for the kindness and positive vibes i am constantly surrounded with

I am thankful for the little anger management that i've been practicing...lol...really, some people seem to go out of their way to tick me off!

I am thankful for rainfall

I am thankful for humour!

I am thankful for nature

I am thankful for Christians (and Jews and Muslims and Hindus and Buddhists too...i cannot fathom that God discriminates..i cannot wrap my head around that sort of pettiness)..but i mentioned Christians specifically because of the really nice blogs i've been reading recently..very encouraging...ahem, except this one crazy fellow...I pray for him now.

I am thankful for forgiveness and new beginnings...i can never mention this too much. In fact, mentioning this is mandatory!

I am thankful in advance, that at some point in the (near) future, i will see the light at the end of the tunnel and "i'll run into His arms and the tears will come down and i'll pray: i want to fall in love with You" (LOL..Jars of Clay, Love song for a Saviour, slightly modified), because, right about now, i fluctuate between mumbling Seal's "I have lost my Faith" and begging for forgiveness for saying it. Note though, Lost my Faith in...Religion(hey, i'm just being really honest here). My faith in God is unshakable. It takes a special kind of arrogant, ignorant and very much intellectually myopic person to declare that there is no God. Oh? yea? so like, you can exist, but theres no way God can. Mhhm, sure. Pinch yourself and look around, and think again if there is no God..Humph!

Lol..little post turned into big post. This might seem like soliciting, but please, somebody, anybody, pray for me. I heard that kind of prayer has more power :P and i need it bad! i need my faith back, i want to go back to when believing came easy and didn't make me think to myself..Dogma! Dogma!(once again, being honest)...

Maybe one day..one day i will let loose those writings here...but until then...be thankful!

Be good!