Thankful Thursday: Forgive me for Forgetting...

I read yesterday, that guilt is the most selfish emotion. This is true.

I am sorry that i have let guilt make me forget that this God and me thing, it's a relationship.

I am sorry that i have forgotten that i can do nothing without Him, and instead have been actin' like mizz Independent...there are people you form that Shakara for...He is not among these people.

I am sorry that i have forgotten to cast my burdens.

I am sorry that i have forgotten to talk things through with Him.

I am sorry that i have forgotten to talk to Him plain and simple, forgotten to spend time in His presence. What is a relationship without communication?

I am sorry that i have let life get in the way..Ironic, seeing how this "life" does not measure up to what i have with Him in it.

I am sorry that i have neglected Him.

I am sorry that i have taken Him for granted.

Most of all, i am sorry that i forgot what our relationship is, forgot just how amazing it gets, forgotten everything. That is probably the biggest sin there is, yes? I cannot remember the chapter and verse right now, but i suddenly understand what it means that the people who have it worst are those who have seen, and then turned away..those who have felt, known, and then forgotten. It's not that God will smite you ( He doesn't act all petty like tat, contrary to sensational opinion)..it's the fact that the emptiness of a life without spirituality after you have BEEN there will consume you...slowly, quickly and totally. Not a place where you want to be.

So today, i had a long prayer during my massage...saw a couple of mistakes in previous requests..See i used to go to Him and be all "i will be good this time, i will turn over a new leaf and i will do this, and i will stop doing that"...during this prayer, it occurred to me that i just might have it all wrong.

See i'm going to God and promising to do and be all these things....on my own? I am, in essence, telling Him, look, hey, You just forgive me and that's it..i got this....WRONG! as goeth the thing with casting burdens, He doesn't expect you to come to Him all fixed and perfect...the thing is in you coming to Him and asking Him to fix you and make you right...and all this while i have been waiting to get right on my own, and THEN "feel" worthy of His conversation...*sigh*..we wander about blindly in the dark..led in opposite directions because of our own misunderstanding...

So i am thankful for this epiphany...

I am thankful that the future isn't some obscure date some days ahead...it kinda starts when you want it to. Make your changes and stop finding excuses!

I am thankful for prayer

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for wisdom

I am thankful for family

I am thankful that He knocks sense into me

I am thankful for the big picture...because when you look at it...all the day to day wahala looses it's significance and scare ability...it's all so trivial...like how in the big picture..the beef i was having with my mom is such a joke..looked at the big picture and suddenly felt very little, stupid, and selfish..

I love my mother. I love her like none other... Everything and anything she can do for me, she does...continuously...without fail...I love her

I am thankful for my life..all of it.. :D

I am thankful for massages

I am thankful for cooking...for food

I am thankful for art

I am thankful for MY BOYFRIEND!!!! lol.... proof that God loves me no matter how big of an idiot i am? He blessed me with this this this superamazing person, and i still can't figure out where what when or why...but i am so thankful it's not even funny...God makes plans..and His plans...oh they rawk :)

I am thankful that S..is who he is, the way he is...

I am thankful for my friends...them true ones..the ones that matter...

I am thankful that Babym is backkkkkkk!!!!! i can already feel the laughter induced migranes....boy iz a heeeeedyattt!...the best one you'll ever meet

I am thankful for laughter...my new book says that laughter is crucial...S makes me laugh like none other...my sister has accused me of glowing lately, and blames him :P

I am thankful for...thought....which i am off to indulge in...mommy needs PC...

I am thankful that i get to sit here, all then fingers and toes, type this thing out, and be genuinely thankful ,because i have SO MUCH to be thankful for....i am blessed, and it is not a coincidence...there is a God, and that God loves me..

I am thankful for learning...a little bit each day..

I am thankful for open mindedness, open minded people..

I am thankful for how S gets me... He just does and that...that is special.

I am thankful for Us..me and him...i am thankful.

I am thankful that...He brings me joy :P a la LL Cool J and er...kai who was it in that song with Gabrielle Union?..have.to.google.

I am thankful that tomoz is Friday and thus begins the weekend....we get to spend time togetherrrrr :P

I am thankful ooooooooooo! e no get end point meyyyn :P

Stay blessed...and and stop trying to fix your damn self and get over yourself and ask for some help..baby steps...

Thankful Saturday... Because why not, eh?

Ooh so by some miracle, no insinuation intended, the internet seems to be working more or less sensibly today..and it's been ages since my poor deprived fingers have been let at a keyboard(redundant argument, seeing as the person imposing the deprivation is er, well..me :P)..Now...

I am having the best holidays ever, so really, without exaggeration, i have only things to be thankful for. Wallahi, anything that might have bothered me is some minor ish that i miiight have blown out of proportion...

I am thankful for books...i've let my whole reading game slip meyn...but in the moments i do read...nothing but bliss :D

I am thankful for my family...my sisters are the sweetest human beings...you know, when they aren't being..ARGHHH! :P

I am thankful for communication..

I am thankful for HELPFUL advice

I am thankful for real friends

I am thankful for intuition

I am thankful for Him

I am thankful that He plots out all these uberfab plans and everything just falls into place of its own accord, you know?...true word that most things you have to fight for to make work..probably aren't yours to have. Not to be confused with working towards a thing that you KNOW is meant to be...eh figure it out :P

I am thankful for prayer

I am thankful for not being indifferent

I am thankful for every new thing i learn

I am thankful for people

I am thankful for tact and knowing how and when to employ it...recruit me into diplomatic work stat! lol...except...it's like the proverbial psychologist who can help everybody but themselves...

I am thankful for FOOOOOD...grrrrrrr..gettin fat an things...:( oh well...

Yummy food....

I am thankful for Love

I am thankful that i am in love...it's the strangest thing, you know, how you very subconsciously loose any selfishness you have and find yourself er..attuned seems to be the word, to this other person. For what is probably the first time, i have caught myself more than all the time :P thinking, "oh what would he think of this?" "hmm he'd like that ,i should get/link/tell him" and on and on...note to world...caring rawks..lol does it count as selfish if you know...you are incredibly happy because of it?

I am thankful for S...every day, all day. Words would not describe how happy i am because of him.it's this sort of happiness that i can't even say where exactly i feel it (mind out of gutter!)..He's just..the bestester and i can't stop thanking Him for him :P..

I am thankful for the way he gets me, the way he makes me laugh, the way he makes me happy even when he's nowhere near ,texts that make me act like i'm on something and grin like the cat who got the cream..

and i could go on and on, and prolly would..but my mommy just came and said i should haul ass....

TBC and things of that nature.. :)

OOOH..i am thankful^infinity for every moment we spend together...

Thankful Thursday: everything

Everything that happens, happens for an ultimately positive reason. I believe this.

I am thankful for S...whom i am blessed to have. I am thankful for him that much more each day. He is the goodest, kindest, smartest, clumsiest, sweetest most caring person you'll ever meet.. He is perfect.. Lol my vewy own gift from God...

I am thankful for Him...i owe every breath to Him

I am thankful for family

I am thankful for love...i'm in love, and haven't been happier

I am thankful for every moment i spend with my boyfriend..teehee i just had to :p

I am thankful for my new phone..even if typing this is hell..bye bye nails...

I am thankful!...and this hiatus...na condition..nuttn personal :D

Thankful Thursday: No promises

I'm making no promises, but somewhere, i am trying.

I don't know what it is i'm afraid of, but i'm positive that it's fear that is holding me back from getting to that place i was spiritually. Logically comprehending this is out of the question, because when i draw my pros and cons list...all the cons are where i'm at now.

I think i'm scared of committing myself, and then not being able to carry it through...of course this is the point where i wax eloquent about the importance of the first step, that act of commitment, after which He takes up the burden. See, i know this..but still...i don't like screwing up, i don't like letting people down. Getting "back on track" as it is, is a huge commitment, one which i am not sure of being capable of upholding..hence this drawn out hesitation. It defies and bewilders the sane part of me, it does.

Most times, i am painfully aware of an emptiness, that a huge something is lacking, but i'm too chicken to call it what it is, so i keep pretending that i'm trying to figure it out..pathetic, i know. What exactly is it that i'm hanging on to now? I have no idea...it's the mind games that are keeping me going in circles, rather deep in denial...

But despite all this...He is there, i know it. And i am thankful. No matter how far i may be right now, He still looks out for me in a capacity that is frankly a lot more than i deserve. I realize that it could be lots better..but here i am..settling for less...yes, i am an idiot. A cowardly idiot :P I am waiting for that mythical "moment" where it all snaps..while fully aware that the moment will appear when i create it..but hey..we're human, that's what we do..live on excuses that fuel our procrastination, knowing full well that we are bullshitting...I pray i create my moment soon...on the bright side, i could even say that a couple of things happening in my life right now are pushing me to the drastic and decisive...i have done a couple of things..one more step and i'll be at that final summit..(LOL at that whole expression sha :P )

I am thankful for family

I am thankful for friends

I am thankful for Love, which i have in undeserved abundance

I am thankful for Hope..go figure..upon the love/hate relationship i have with it

I am thankful for literature..Go Colin Dexter!

I am thankful for summer..water and sand and sunshine!

I am thankful for ice cream, don't forget the ice cream!

I am thankful for tribulations, for they only make us stronger..even if they frustrate the sanity out of us in the process...at least you come out knowing you're not a bad fighter at all!

I am thankful for experiences..the best teachers they are!

I am thankful for S...thankful that somehow, by no minor miracle, he is in my life, that he is SUCH an awesome human being, and that he is there...social media and in my mind like att..he is there...

I am thankful for my sisters...whom i should totally give more attention in retrospect...beautiful human beings, the pair of them :D

I am thankful for my mommy...who will listen to me bit...er, whine my heart out and never judge me..she is one amazing woman, my mother!

I am thankful for Guy Ritchie..no seriously..he bringeth joy to my soul :D

I am thankful for being Bi-racial, and as a result bi-cultural...most times, it is absolutely wonderful to get the essence of a culture...Vnature meyn! :P

I am thankful for sports...mm..footb..all and boxing..#LetsGo!

I am thankful for beautiful people...my my..i could ogle them all day :D

I am thankful for philosophy...God's joke on us...it's the elusive perpetual motion machine these people are running around trying to discover like disco-dazed chickens...From time immemorial, people have been pondering all these things, and the beauty is that they have not found one right answer...well, because there isn't :P God found out how to keep us occupied all right :D

I am thankful for Arts...in whatever form the artist, true or accidental expresses it...paintings, photographs, literature, street fashion, dance...the soul is the part of us humans which He created in His own image, and that is what strives to, in turn, project beauty, to express itself...i believe the soul is asexual. Man, woman..we all see and appreciate the same fundamental things in the same way..everything else is hormone influenced :D

I am thankful for writing

I am thankful for these epiphanies that come to me as i write

I am thankful that He does have a plan for me..i glimpse it in moments of non-stupidity..and yet..ah well..working on that...

I am thankful for blessings...those things pack a punch!

I am thankful for His way..and how He will set tests for you all right, but when He sees your dumb self has mistaken a test for a new direction, He will yank you out of that situation doublequick!

I am thankful..for people...fascinating things!

I am thankful that i am alive

I am thankful that i have no problems worth whining about..just minor inconveniences here and there, that's all...

I am thankful for calmness and patience...when i want to rip someone's head off clean with my bare hands..and yet find myself laughing at something else...

I am thankful for my Dad..without whom i wouldn't be me.

I am thankful that TuFace Idibia has stepped up his Video game

I am thankful for the Internet

I am thankful for food

I am thankful for thoughts

I am thankful for rationality

I am thankful for direction

I am thankful for things going well...

Funny how this morning, or more appropriately, this afternoon, at some point, i was on my knees and crying and asking God for one thing..Happiness in the midst of all this nonsense that has been happening this week...midway through that request, it was modified to something along the lines of "Lord, open my eyes to see all the happiness that already is around me, and lift me out of this melancholia that is trying to make me ungrateful for what i do have"...Like T.I said...you gotta stop wanting what you don't have and try to be grateful for what you do have. I have awesome friends, who will genuinely be concerned and do everything they can to make me happy..as if they don't have their own problems? But still..they will endure my sharp tongue and think of ways to make me smile...meyn, God bless them in excess!

So i guess...no matter what is going on in your life, stop and count your blessings, name them one by one. Quite often, we allow the one minor thing happening to us at a moment in time to cloud all the other awesome things that are already there in our lives...i suppose it's not worth it..it's not worth it at all..in everything, through prayer and supplication, Give thanks to God...

I am thankful. No matter what! lol, yes, another T.I reference...

Be Thankful dammit! even if it's for the sip of water you had this morning...find them, list them out...and you just might find yourself with quite a list...and the nasty stuff? Trusssst..tried and tested..you will be compensated sooner or later..true story!

Thankful Thursday: Detox

Technically, it will be Thursday in fifteen minutes...

Detox. Of the Mind, body and..soul? purgatory, confession, laying it all out, accepting blame and attempting to make it right..baby steps. Letting go and hanging on. I'm only human, and some things are harder to let go of than others...who would have thought?

Good thing about detox though, (of the mind, body or the soul) is that with each passing day, the light gets clearer and it's that much easier...i guess...need to find balance, need to find truth, and then you know what it is that you should, how it is that you should...like...like when people are all bundled up and hyped to hike across a desert (why they would do this is beyond me, but work with me here). First order of business is agreeing on where they are headed and how they are getting there, before...he even touches a pen or speaks in a rhyme, lol..excuse the outburst of Fort Minor...it's been a while, and this whole thinking thing..i haven't done in a while. I meant before they take any steps in any direction whatsoever.

Which is kinda the big question in Religion in general, no? WHAT to believe? how to go about it? tell me and i shall do...it is the lack of instructions that convict and convince that are the bane of my existence. Each day i find new answers, new interpretations that leave me going, right. So what now? I dunno..most of the time, i like it, this pick n mix relationship that i'm building with Him...It just might be the one place in which a truth of any sort lies...but that's a whole other basket of...what's the expression again? i'm pretty sure it's one of those absurd oxymoronic word combinations. Yes i know that "oxymoronic" is not a word. Shame.

I am thankful for so much. I know i haven't been here logging it, but each day i am thankful, even when i'm too thick headed and busy being an ostrich about things..(there is nothing fun to look at in the sand, i assure you..oh, and because you can't see "them" it doesn't mean they don't see your great mighty behind sticking up in the air like the dumb bird that you are).

i am thankful for Family, who do not even know how much they have influenced the decisions i make...This detox? started the moment when Gramps looked at me..with this look..all innocent and trusting like when i said i was heading out to the park to read...i didn't mention everything, but i realized that i could not betray that trust...and i can't...it breaks my heart to remember that look..so i am Thankful for Grandpa and his unknowing help...

I am thankful for my mom! Who keeps me sane a lot of the time..she is AMAZING! and the best person i have been blessed to have in my life..i dunno bout lots of people, buh i gist with my mom, and she is awesome about it...Wonderful person!

I am thankful for my sisters...perfect little perfections! i can talk to them like...like it happens with no one else, that's what!

i am thankful that this semester/year is overrrr! okay one day to go, one test to go :D

I am thankful for my lecturers, and God will bless the chill ones overplenty...the ones that want to be biaches about it..una own dey wait una :P

I am thankful for L.V.V..because he is an awesomeness of a human being..even when he's being bloody annoying..he means well...teehee

i am thankful for friends, and memories

I am thankful for SUMMER!

I am thankful for S! omgomgomg..sometimes, i have to take the time out to convince myself that i know this person, and he is my friend, and i talk to him every day...no, nobody should pinch me abeg! :P

i am thankful for manybooks.net

I am thankful for books! yah kiddin me?

I am thankful for art

I am thankful that this Detox thing is making me appreciate so many things anew...say what you will, but lots of things people take for granted fuck (sorry blog!) with your mind, no lie. There, i said it. Pretend it's all "normal tingz" but somewhere, somehow, on some level, it messes with your mind, with your er..spirituality? with Something, That Something that makes me, in any case, think things, be a certain way..okay so maybe now i'm starting to sound a bit bonkers, but there is sense to this madness!

I am thankful...well that it's been more than a min, yea? lolz in our situations, every hour is a triumph!

I am thankful for pleasant people

I am thankful for tingles

i am thankful for the beach

I am thankful for who i am, where i am...

I am thankful that..yup, again, He has incredibly not given up on me....

I am thankful for fooood! lol..sometimes it's like...abi make i shun just chop? fat o, rotund o, spherical o, at least i'll be fed and happy?

I am thankful for eye candy..in human or stuff form :P

I am thankful that he has a plan, and coincidences simply do not exist

i am thankful for Philosophy

I am thankful for talented people...

I am thankful for inspiration and a whole lot of things, including love, laughter and lemons, but i forsee a productive future as concerns writing...So here's to detox and *incredulously!* and another chance.....

#off to attempt to think :P

Be blessed!

Thankful...Day :P..My life be like oh aahhh!

Grits + TOBYMAC!!!...i don't know how it rates on the coolness scale to think TobyMac is rather boss, but if it's nerdy, then so be it...i dig him majortime!

Now...i have skipped two TT's...not because i forgot, because i totally, wholeheartedly went over them in my head...but...you know, it was suddenly 2am and i didn't have the energy...Not, good, i know, but hey...

This post was supposed to be titled "it's all in your head"...but maybe i'll leave that until next time? I'm just in a really good mood, and i'm all thankful about my life at this moment in time...so it's like..my life is all gravy :D

Which brings me to the point i'm going to attempt to make. My life is not perfect, it may not be the way i want and wish it to be..but i think i had a mini epiphany and realized that what i need to do is be embracing where i'm at, and not fighting it. Afterall, everything, every phase is there to teach a lesson, and fulfill its own purpose...Yes, i know that saying the purpose of this is to realize that this may not be the best thing is a valid argument...but i'm tired of feeling guilty, i'm tired of feeling like i'm failing, i'm tired of being disappointed in me. IT'S ENOUGH! it's earning me no points and bringing no happiness...So i'm going to do me. In the end, i firmly believe that all there are in the world are individuals, and right and wrong are subjective. What is right for one person isn't for the next. We all have different stories to write, so i think it's about time i just wrote my own for what it is, and stop reading other stories to see how it should be written..make sense? It doesn't matter if it's prose or poetry, a song or a series of quotes, it doesn't matter if it rhymes or not, if it's comedy or it's drama..It's your own story, and it will be what it will be...

Yes, i do see how this sounds like me trying to justify a situation...but really, embrace You!

I've had a good day, i have good people in my life, i have people who love me, and i've spoken to only pleasant people all day..i've laughed and walked under the rain, frozen my po' ass off and then been delighted at sunshine. Was a bit of a nervous wreck because of two tests i was supposed to have today...Lecturer left=no tests. I got my booking, quick in, quick out, and the lady was a doll...came home and chilled with the grandparents, joked with gramps and yanned with grams, and got FED proper!..Spoke to my mom today...then my friend decided to "do me christmas" :P...ooh and i'm still Nigerian!

You see? I have more than enough to be thankful for. Each day is a blessing, and i am truly thankful for every moment..the real sin, then, would be sulking and obsessing over things i think i'm doing wrong..when really, who knows what is wrong? We spend lifetimes, (thanks to religion!) punishing ourselves over every little thing, instead of just living and embracing everything life has to offer...That's the whole point of it...to experience..how are you supposed to experience when you work yourself into a state of believing than that everything is wrong? I refuse! lol i might just go all out Hedonistic! no apologies or nothing...main rule, don't hurt anybody...

So i am thankful for today, and i am thankful for life, i am thankful for love, i am thankful for thought, i am thankful for my senses, i am thankful for people, i am thankful for family, i am thankful for food, i am thankful for shelter, i am thankful for communication, i am thankful for laughter, i am thankful that there is tomorrow, i am thankful that there is so much to be experienced...

Bearhugs all around!

Thankful Thursday: PomPoms and Guilt

Bout a perfect week too late..but that's the way it is. Deal.

The awful thing about guilt, is that nothing productive comes out of it. Nothing at all..you just wallow in your guilt until it's around your eyeballs and you're tryna remember how exactly you got in so deep. Guilt is what keeps me from getting back on the God track, Guilt is what has kept me from praying for so long that i can't really remember anymore...Sure, i give Him the heads up everyday, mostly accompanied by an ironic smile and a side order of some more guilt..cuz i won't lie, i'm stuck in this rut that is major, and instead of getting out one of the millions of ties each day He offers me the opportunity, i'm like...nah, i'm too messed up to act all Sunshine right now, i can't be all fake like that...

But that's absurd, yes? Logically, i tell myself that you cannot screw up so much that He's like, gerraway you...i know this...but i don't want to get all emotional like, i'm getting on track and then i do sumn stupid an hour later...it's complicated, i hate making promises that i have a huge chance of breaking...so i figure, don't make the promise at all so your Guilt doesn't have fodder...

Guilt is terrible meyn, just creates this force field around you and moving on...Sure, acknowledge your wrong doing, for a moment, take notes, then fuggedabout it in the words of Donnie Brasco, fuggedabout it and move on without looking back...Yup, i could write volumes...it's the putting into practice bit that gets tricky...It's all good...the bright side is that It's All In Your Head..and that means that there is hope yet...

And then we break out the PomPoms...you do need that spurt of optimism to delude yourself into the first steps, that spurt of energy that makes you let go of the guilt that's messing with your game plan...So shamelessly break out the PomPoms and cheer yourself on!

So Basically...lol i've been wanting to say that all day...So basically,

I am thankful for Life..wouldn't be doing much thinking if i didn't have it eh?

I am thankful for my family

I am thankful for this rut i'm in because i firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and no matter what, there is an important lesson to be learned..Now if only my dumb self can learn it so we can all move right on..

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for directions

I am thankful for second, third, and millionth chances

I am thankful for forgiveness

I am thankful for His love

I am thankful for His patience

I am thankful for my friends

I am thankful for the little things He does that seem like nothing at the moment, and then a while on, you're like WHOA!

I am thankful for writing

I am thankful for Writers

I am thankful for inspiration

I am thankful for photoblogs

I am thankful for art

I am thankful for talented people

I am thankful for surprises

I am thankful for simplicity

I am thankful for things that are uncomplicated

I am thankful for clarity of thought

I am thankful for epiphanies

I am thankful for Olive oil :P ish does wonders!

I am thankful for The Olive Garden...which is one book that makes me more happy on the inside than i can tell

I am thankful for hope

I am thankful for the future, and the endless, unpredictable possibilities it holds

I am thankful for kismet

I am thankful for language

I am thankful for smiles...someone did say it's the shortest distance/the bridge between two hearts? lol i have seen simple smiles work wonders...testimony here!

I am thankful for foood! and food blogs and and food bloggers

I am thankful for genuine people, warm people, kind people, people with no agenda and no talent at plotting and scheming

I am thankful for the amazing people that i can talk to, like really talk to..and they are there for me each and every time, and may not even know how truly i love them

I am thankful for people with no issues and hangups, people who simply don't judge...That might be the single most amazing quality a person can have

I am thankful for those random moments that happen that open up your heart and mind..those unconventional times...I love those! recent one..That homeless guy musing about my nailpolish then bumming a stick off me...i love people!

I am thankful for..Psychology..which is what i really ought to be doing..people fascinate me...and i want to help..i really do!

I am thankful for Political Theory talks with the gramps...he is the amazingest person ever! we go for hours and i don't even notice..

I am thankful for who i am...even if i keep forgetting

I am thankful for Spring and all the beauty about

I am thankful for solitude

I am thankful for diversity

I am thankful for variety

I am thankful for each and every day...because it means i get another chance...which i've been neglecting, but that's beside the point...

I am thankful for intelligence

I am thankful for individuality...yea, so sometimes i live vicariously..just waiting for my confidence to mature..hush!

I am thankful for Love

I am thankful for support

I am thankful for beauty

I am thankful for Art..have i mentioned this?

I am thankful for Pidgin!!! like, seriously.

I am thankful for being Nigerian...and Ukrainian too..God save these countries meyn, cuz their citizens are on a mission to murder them with their greed and absence of vision of any sort

I am thankful that i'm me..and messed up as i might be..not everyone hates me :P *gasp*

I am thankful..that this..this whatever this is..is temporary....

Be good, and stay out of ruts...not fun..not fun at all....