Thankful Thursday : First take

I have managed to blow lie o! lol...but it's a true lie..see, it's my first take on it on blogger..i do have a Thankful Thursday episode in one notebook like that...:P ..theres something catchy about rhymes, no? like i "borrowed" my "Fasting Fridays" from one blogger...can't remember who...N.I.M.M.O maybe...

I Am Thankful:

For Life...i was given it, i still have it, and it's a blessed one!

For Love...i have so much love in my life i'm overwhelmed, and i am not exaggerating. Most of all is God's love for me..and then...

For Family...I was BLESSED to be born into my family..these kinds of things are not coincidence..i love my family

For friends...i have truly truly wonderful friends, who are completely ride or die..and i know enough to realize that maybe that isn't so common, and thus i am blessed to have them...

For laughter....what would i do without it?

For Salvation....i don't deserve it..not one bit..haven't earned, and never will be able to earn it...

For Prayer....which i firmly believe is the second most bestest thing after Salvation...Prayer is the best thing to exist!

*For Forgiveness....both from God and from man...forgiveness makes the world go round!

For health...and the fact that i am blessed enough not to have any funky "conditions"..or downright mean allergies....how can i be expected to stay away from chocolate, for instance?

For Kindness...i know i'm not alone when i say that a kind word has turned my day around..

For God's patiece with me....no explanation necessary!

For common sense

For beauty..chai, not only my own oooo! before pesin chop me :D..for the beauty in the world

For Sunshine and Rain and Wind and Snow

For Rita and Aloted and their support, and their inspired posts ..and JayCee too...who might have no idea the role models they are to me..

For music

For His Word

For His care

For His guidance

For Literature

For Literacy

For Emotions...that make us human, and add so much to life

For the little things

For Today.


I Am Thankful!

* Remember my friend i had that oh so dramatic beef with? i called her and apologised...a year too late..but apologised all the same..He told me to..He helped me to..i thought i couldn't do it, but apparently that fear was some jacked up illusion...and..wow..that's all i can say..because for so long i told myself i was okay with the way things were..but i know that was a lie..but now things are okay so yay! i have my friend back!!!! i missed her meynnnnnnn :P..oh, and she forgave me too...

i'm so awestruck, baby would you blow my heart up!!

lol...the title is a play on Lady GaGa's "starstruck"...i really am awestruck though, because it's like magic, the way God works. It's unbelievable, you feel it and just cannot trust your senses...you walk around with a huge grin, eyes like saucers, thinking WOW...because He rocks like that.

Like they way He answers prayers...has any one paid attention? i'm not even talking about the i want an aeroplane type prayers, i mean the simple things, like when you ask for your day to go okay, or not to miss the bus...i do not think it is coincidence...how ab0ut the things He does when you don't even ask? i think those are the best really, because you don't even know you need them and as such don't ask, but when you get them you can't imagine how you lived without them. I'm talking about simple things, like how in the depth of my not caring and running away from Him, He cares for me. He cares for the flimsiest of things, e.g my emotions, if i'm happy or sad. I noticed that at my lowest points, on my saddest days, something always happened that i wasn't expecting in a million years. Phone calls, complements, conversations...He made me happy, despite the fact that i wasn't being good at all..He cares, and it humbled me every single time...

And now i'm awestruck again...remember the last post and how i was going on and on about how i needed to give up something? well, it took a while, i fought with myself, i made excuses, i tried to convince myself that i misunderstood and really didn't have to give it up afterall...God is patient and persistent, that's all i can say!...i prayed a lot about it, i tried to ignore it and make it go away, but apparently that wasn't the deal..i had to give it up. So a couple of days ago i was just feeling so down and depressed, and as cliche as it sounds, i just felt empty, like there was this great big gaping black hole in the middle of my being. It was not a good feeling at all. I prayed. Then something else, perhaps unrelated, perhaps not, but i gave up something for what i call my own modified version of lent (i refuse to follow any "church" activities...i am not a fan of organized religion, but thats another talk)...and i gave up something...lol, not telling what but i know i gave up errything including looking at or thinking about it..pray i can hold on till the end!...anywho...so i prayed for help, guidance, i dunno what, but i knew i just had to face letting go of him.

lol...hold up, pause, let me clarify...the innitial letting go and giving up concerns a person. A person who i was somewhat involved with. There were many things wrong with it i guess, and even if not, God asked me to let go, you know, sacrifice i guess. I've been moping around wondering where the Mr.Perfect is, and what i was hearing from God was that i needed to let this guy go and trust Him, and not try to be providing backup for myself. That what is good for me will come along,but not while i am clinging to this great obstacle in my life ..because that was what it was...the thought of, "but if i let him go and another one doesn't come along nko?" and even while i was still thinkin like that, i knew it was ridiculous...but hey, i'm only human....

So i prayed...That night, i dreamt of breaking up with him. The next evening, he came online on messenger...see this has to be pointed out because he is not on all the time, his job and this and that. So dreaming about the breakup on messenger and then having him come on that day of all days was rather...eerie lol

It wasn't easy..i cried all the way...but i did do it. I did give him up, and now all i pray is that my feelings dissapear and he doesn't return, because Lord knows that will be hard. I still really like him, i think, and i feel a bit guilty in moments when i realize that...but i don't think i should, right? i mean...i damn near loved this person..i don't think God meant make your feelings dissapear overnight...i gave him up- that's the important part...

Now to the part that is leavin me oh-so-aware of His goodness and making me awestruck (lol, okay apart from all the other wonderful stuff) is the fact that all these very pleasant "coincidences" have been happening...like how i stayed up late last night chatting with this my guy friend...see...we know each other, a couple of mutual friends, facebook ish...but see, he is rarely ever online, and we've only like really talked three times mehn....okay, that is not the fun part...kai this boy is fine. as in, i can safely say he is the finest boy i have seen. body o, face o...and he is nice as hell....lol...Okay, okay, so i do not have plans for him, i have been praying against that, i do not want to like him that way...i'm just saying it was really nice talking to him, you know...not to mention that when that kain fine boy dey make you feel all cute...lol, it puts you in a good mood jor!...small reward abi?

basically it's this..at this moment, i am on a good path. I am happier than i've been in a long while, i am at peace, i am learning, i am learning to pray and just be in God's presence again, i am learning how to hear and listen when He speaks....and i am really trying to be a better person, giving up some bad habits (hehe, swearin, cuss words)...it's good..and He leaves me Awestruck!!!! hehe

Have a good one!

Intro

Before i go into The actual beginning story, i think i have to explain this first.. I have to explain how and why i came to make this blog.

Those of you who read the random Naija blog would remember the big fight i had with my friend. To be honest, i was right proper pissed at the whole thing, i had all this fury and upset pent up inside me. I was so hurt by the unfairness of it all, you know, that whole "after all i've done" mentality.

Since the day we had the fight, there was this little voice somewhere in me going, "just squash it and forgive her and move the hell on". Now see, my brain had that logic down pat. But theres this thing that held me back. Pride. Ego. I wanted her to realize what she had lost and admit it.

See, that voice kept saying, "forgive and move on". I repeated this to myself, over and over again. I had forgiven her, i decided. and yet, everytime i thought about it, i felt that heat in my chest, that anger surfacing, that whole, "who the hell does she think she is? acting like i'm all wrong and refusing to see whats true". Evidently, i hadn't let it go, and my efforts to convince myself by repititon obviously weren't working.

~You guys must note though, that i am not new to apologising when the other party is at fault. That voice has guided me through many years of patiently saying, "i'm sorry, lets just move on". It is the voice that thousands of times gave me the patience to tell my little sister that i'm sorry more than ten times in a row until she stopped "forming".~

Several times though, urged on by that voice, i had almost called her. Something stopped me each time. Pride. I wasn't gonna "stoop". Funny thing is that all the while, i knew i was wrong, i was just being stubborn, refusing to Listen. Refusing to Obey. All the while i knew that this "stooping" as i classified it was what i needed to do, i knew that if i did it, i would be free, my conscience would be clear. Still, i insisted on being stubborn.

Up until last night. Intoxicated by the wedding episode of Girlfriends, i made up a whole speech in my head. One in which i apologised that her feelings got hurt, but she should understand that the apology is not for what i wrote. That i feel the friendship we had, though never perfect, was special in its own way, that i wasn't willing to throw it away just because of some sissy fight. So, like some people drunk-dial, i emotion-dialled her. Yep, i chewed up that pride, and called her, all emotional and crying. She did the whole "er, who is this?" number on me, you know, so i know that she doestn't have my number anymore. I asked if i could call her later on, like free call time (mehn, i didn't have credit!) she said, er okay. I got on my knees and prayed.I was so thankful that i listened. So happy that God gave me the strength to get over that small speedbump of pride..

The funny thing is that i became so scared after that, like, "what have i done?".Shook all the way till one a.m and called her. It rang. She didn't answer.

It didn't bother me. I had done my part. I had swallowed my pride and called her. I had listened, overcome my stubborness and called her.

And how this sob story relates to this blog?

See, i'm not going to explain it here, but i have this complex relationship with God. and truth be told, i hadn't been very close to Him lately, and it bothered me very much. I wasn't, hell i'm still not comfortable with that. There was a time when it was all so good, you know? and then i , well, i stopped Listening. That's what i call it. See, God never stops speaking or reaching out to us or being by our side, it is us who just shut off and stop hearing Him speak to us.

I hadn't listened in a long time. I blocked Him out subcounsciously, guilt not letting me agree to listen. But see, this is what makes the whole thing so beautiful. I tagged the post about her "blessings" among other things. Now, more than ever, i realize that it's not a coincidence. It has been a blessing. It made me Listen, and i am thankful for that in ways that you cannot imagine. God gave me a lesson in Pride. Reminded me that i have no right to it. Reminded me of my one of my favourite Bible verses which says we should do things as though we are doing then for God and not for man. So i don't regret "swallowing my pride", not one bit, because i gained so much in return.

After this whole epispde, i prayed, and did my customary open-the-Bible-randomly-pick-a-verse...This is what turned up

Amos 5:14
Seek Good and not evil, that you may live, and so the Lord, the God of hosts, will be with you.

The verses in the Bible are multi purpose.A verse may be applied to a thousand and one situations. And this one, apart from the obvious, represents to me that in this whole upsetting situation, i shouldn't focus on all the bad things that it holds, but, well, seek out the good and appreciate that.

After that, i just felt like i needed..needed to make this blog. And thus, here it is. I have a lot of writing on this topic. My relationship with God. But it's all handwritten in notebooks. There is a LOT of it. Most people won't believe this if i told them, but that's a whole other story!

Do i need to point out that this isn't going to be easy? I keep muttering to myself, "i need God". I need to get back on track.

P.s i have a LOT to say..more like i feel God has a lot to say to me, and i need to write it down to figure it out.