i'm so awestruck, baby would you blow my heart up!!

lol...the title is a play on Lady GaGa's "starstruck"...i really am awestruck though, because it's like magic, the way God works. It's unbelievable, you feel it and just cannot trust your senses...you walk around with a huge grin, eyes like saucers, thinking WOW...because He rocks like that.

Like they way He answers prayers...has any one paid attention? i'm not even talking about the i want an aeroplane type prayers, i mean the simple things, like when you ask for your day to go okay, or not to miss the bus...i do not think it is coincidence...how ab0ut the things He does when you don't even ask? i think those are the best really, because you don't even know you need them and as such don't ask, but when you get them you can't imagine how you lived without them. I'm talking about simple things, like how in the depth of my not caring and running away from Him, He cares for me. He cares for the flimsiest of things, e.g my emotions, if i'm happy or sad. I noticed that at my lowest points, on my saddest days, something always happened that i wasn't expecting in a million years. Phone calls, complements, conversations...He made me happy, despite the fact that i wasn't being good at all..He cares, and it humbled me every single time...

And now i'm awestruck again...remember the last post and how i was going on and on about how i needed to give up something? well, it took a while, i fought with myself, i made excuses, i tried to convince myself that i misunderstood and really didn't have to give it up afterall...God is patient and persistent, that's all i can say!...i prayed a lot about it, i tried to ignore it and make it go away, but apparently that wasn't the deal..i had to give it up. So a couple of days ago i was just feeling so down and depressed, and as cliche as it sounds, i just felt empty, like there was this great big gaping black hole in the middle of my being. It was not a good feeling at all. I prayed. Then something else, perhaps unrelated, perhaps not, but i gave up something for what i call my own modified version of lent (i refuse to follow any "church" activities...i am not a fan of organized religion, but thats another talk)...and i gave up something...lol, not telling what but i know i gave up errything including looking at or thinking about it..pray i can hold on till the end!...anywho...so i prayed for help, guidance, i dunno what, but i knew i just had to face letting go of him.

lol...hold up, pause, let me clarify...the innitial letting go and giving up concerns a person. A person who i was somewhat involved with. There were many things wrong with it i guess, and even if not, God asked me to let go, you know, sacrifice i guess. I've been moping around wondering where the Mr.Perfect is, and what i was hearing from God was that i needed to let this guy go and trust Him, and not try to be providing backup for myself. That what is good for me will come along,but not while i am clinging to this great obstacle in my life ..because that was what it was...the thought of, "but if i let him go and another one doesn't come along nko?" and even while i was still thinkin like that, i knew it was ridiculous...but hey, i'm only human....

So i prayed...That night, i dreamt of breaking up with him. The next evening, he came online on messenger...see this has to be pointed out because he is not on all the time, his job and this and that. So dreaming about the breakup on messenger and then having him come on that day of all days was rather...eerie lol

It wasn't easy..i cried all the way...but i did do it. I did give him up, and now all i pray is that my feelings dissapear and he doesn't return, because Lord knows that will be hard. I still really like him, i think, and i feel a bit guilty in moments when i realize that...but i don't think i should, right? i mean...i damn near loved this person..i don't think God meant make your feelings dissapear overnight...i gave him up- that's the important part...

Now to the part that is leavin me oh-so-aware of His goodness and making me awestruck (lol, okay apart from all the other wonderful stuff) is the fact that all these very pleasant "coincidences" have been happening...like how i stayed up late last night chatting with this my guy friend...see...we know each other, a couple of mutual friends, facebook ish...but see, he is rarely ever online, and we've only like really talked three times mehn....okay, that is not the fun part...kai this boy is fine. as in, i can safely say he is the finest boy i have seen. body o, face o...and he is nice as hell....lol...Okay, okay, so i do not have plans for him, i have been praying against that, i do not want to like him that way...i'm just saying it was really nice talking to him, you know...not to mention that when that kain fine boy dey make you feel all cute...lol, it puts you in a good mood jor!...small reward abi?

basically it's this..at this moment, i am on a good path. I am happier than i've been in a long while, i am at peace, i am learning, i am learning to pray and just be in God's presence again, i am learning how to hear and listen when He speaks....and i am really trying to be a better person, giving up some bad habits (hehe, swearin, cuss words)...it's good..and He leaves me Awestruck!!!! hehe

Have a good one!