Thankful Thursday: Rise and fall..then climb right back up?

Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over,
And it seems as though the writings on the wall,
Superstar you finally made it,
But once your picture becomes tainted,
It's what they call,
The rise and fall - Craig David, Rise and Fall

So many times i've tried to fight sinking with being ridiculously upbeat...Most times it worked..even if i could physically feel my brain wince in protest. Truth is, sometimes, you finally get to that good place, you seem to be living right, doing okay..and then comes the fall; one little slip helps another along and all of a sudden you really don't care about much at all, and all the ideas of doing what's "right" become blurry and you are really not sure what it means anymore so you shrug and say eff it, i'll wallow in this low place.

That's kinda where i seem to be right now if i take away any fancy euphemism. I am in a low place. That place where you are, and it seems like you're watching yourself from the outside, seeing how the you on the inside is just powerless to the fact of the you that is actually doing these things that are making the other two yous go...na me be this?...yes i know, that was a complicated sentence buh i promise it makes sense.

What happens though? How do you go from a comfortable place of thinking the fight is over and you can finally get on with cruising at this comfortable altitude, to plummeting helplessly until you're back at ground zero...or lower still? What is the method to this breaking down and building up if i end up right where i started? Yea..it's my fault in the end, i allowed slip ups that are totally not me, mistakes that are crystal clear in theory and yet....in practice i'm making them over and over again? What wears you down and makes you indifferent to this metaphorical fight? What the hell is that happens and you think..shiiiii i'm out of strength, i'm out of cheer, i'm out of team spirit and i am tired of being confused about what is wrong and why it's wrong and why it's wrong in this situation and why i have to be fighting anyways...

Again, in theory all this is crystal clear...i wonder why i'm asking questions. I can point to all the things that are creating this lowness. I can list them out and then list out their solutions right next to them. So what is the problem? The problem is that it isn't very well easy..and that is one thing i cannot explain. Why on earth is it hard to do what's right? You'll be there, indulging in some messed up habit that offends your common sense...and yet...funny enough, i just might have an answer to that. Character building. I guess it takes a strong person to live rigidly by principles. Whenever i feel like the fight is over, that i've finally made it..in that brief phase i do establish and adhere to some impressive principles...but then i loose steam..because i am only human and i'm just a little girl and it is overwhelming to take up that cross each day...so yea, maybe i'm a coward and i detach, scream screw it all and sink to...sink to this place i am in, looking around in horror and remembering how much better it could be..vaguely relating the girl then to me now...*sigh* This is not fun

That being said though, i cannot, and refuse to act all pretend cheery and positive. Right now, my facebook status says "

They say it's never too late to start over, that you're never too far gone to rise again...The biggest battle is in your mind, remembering this and resolving to pick yourself up and get back where you should be. Stage one. Believe."

I typed that in a feeble effort to motivate myself...it's yet to kick in..i know i should i know i should..but all i want to do now is curl up and cry until everything goes back to normal. I do not like this place..

Baby steps, right? They always say to do it one step at a time, win the war one battle at a time. Lol this post sounds a bit more melancholy than i thought i was..

I am thankful for Life

I am thankful for love

I am thankful for blogger

I am thankful for friends...like the REAL ones lol..not dem friends for mouth kinda ish

I am thankful for words

I am thankful for Creativity...

I am thankful for Intrigue..

Which is why i'm thankful for Dan Brown!

I am thankful for crying..because sometimes, it's the best release

I am thankful for uni..you have to spend 5 years doing something, right?

I am thankful for philosophy

I am thankful for books

I am thankful for my mama!!! i am more than blessed to have been given to her

I am thankful for my daddy! and for who he is..because if he was even slightly different, i wouldn't be who i am...same for my mom..and i really kinda like who i am so hey

I am thankful for my sisters...they are amazing. To have become the intelligent darlings they are despite the trauma i put them through? That's dangerous..a kid raising kids..sometimes i look back and am awed by their resilience, the whole rose through concrete thing they have pulled..cuz lord knows i've done them wrong..i didn't know any better!..so i am thankful that He didn't let my blunders affect them, instead, He blessed me with these darling young women :)

I am thankful for S, because sometimes, most times when he doesn't even know, he keeps me going when i'm just about ready to tell the world in explicit detail where to stick it...a word, a gesture...and i snap out of silly mode :P

I am thankful for S..because of who he is. I really do not know how to explain that more..who i am just agrees with who he is..it's that simple.

I am thankful for simple things

I am thankful for smiles

I am thankful for laughter

I am thankful for fooood! kai..food..that delicious thing that agreeeth not with my body...the grandparents disagree..but it's their job to make empty statements like that..apparently that's how you express love...by lying to the ones you claim to love :P

I am thankful for my ultracaring grandparents...

I am thankful for all the miraculous narrow escapes He sees me through...Econs test on Wednesday is still a mystery

I am thankful for next week's timetable...I almost burst into song when i saw it...NO tests!!!!!!!!!!! plenty of time to er..tie up loose ends...*cough* read through all dem novels i have stacked in line

I am thankful that i have no problems

I am thankful that i have people who will give me their shoulders for me to cry on...that is very comforting to know

I am thankful for people who understand me..i know it's not easy

I am thankful for quality..not quantity

I am thankful for lessons learned

I am thankful or wisdom

I am thankful for knowledge

I am thankful for God's plans

I am thankful for daydreams

I am thankful for sunny days

I am thankful for kind people

I am thankful for positivity...never force it though...cry through the pain, don't try to drown it..cry knowing that it's not the end, but by all means cry and allow yourself wallow in the misery of the moment

I am thankful for baby steps..abi even if you want to eat enyimba, na one bite at a time...don't be overwhelmed by the volume of work before you..choose whats immediately in front of your nose and get started doing that, thinking nothing at all of "all else"...

I am thankful for Naijaaa! if i had to do it all again, i wouldn't change a thing...UST, PHC, NAIJA! lol firealz..Naija rawks hard..faults and all

I am thankful for Nairaland...guilty pleasure..but dammit it can be entertaining

I am thankful for knowledge gathered from everywhere...no knowledge is wasted...whether you discovered it in a library or in an M&B novel, in a classroom or from a music video..LOL school is overrated...most of what makes you, you did not learn in a classroom...A classroom did not teach anybody to have a fabulous personality..which er..got you your job? lol learn for school o! buh you've gotta learn not to obsess...

I am thankful that there are so many recipes...grrr i have soo many things i want to try..buh i can't...cuz there's no one to feed it to and i damn well am not going to gorge myself on all that i want to make..grandparents are a bit vanilla and not into trying new things..humph!

I am thankful for.....for whatever it is that keeps pulling, dragging, pushing, prodding, holding me up while i stumble along this...this path..There is always that voice not letting me give up, no matter how bad it gets. There is always that voice through the haze telling me that i shouldn't dare log off...

I am thankful that them down times are just glitches on my radar..temporary lows...i will get back where i need to be

I am thankful for the internet..whatever would i do without it?

I am thankful for everybody who uploads stuff...like Ugly Betty, season 4 ep 16 OMG new eye candy!! he was duly drooled over *sigh*

I am thankful for eye candy :D

I am thankful for common sense

I am thankful for S!!! i am thankful that i met him, i am thankful that i know him, i am thankful that i care so much about him, i am thankful that he gets me and i am SO thankful that he makes it so easy..i am thankful that even though i miss him silly, songs, lines from books, pictures, videos...lol they all make it seem like he's much closer...that's compensation..right?

I am thankful for how God doesn't actually blow you up into smithereens when you mess up...that does beg the controversial question of how come bad things happen to good people, but i'm not even going to go there...it's a sore topic with me...one on which my stand is to be the classic drone sort of Christian. Ask no questions and for crying out loud don't try to think too much..lol..that's just for this post though...it is an issue to be pondered

I am thankful that tomorrow is Fridayy!!! this week has exhausted me..shaa, i've learned a few valuable lessons and am earning my student status small small...lol..skip class, check, go to class hung over, check, write test well on empty head, check..lol and a few colourful scenarios we won't be painting just right now.

I am thankful for logic

I am thankful for rationality

I am thankful for principles

I am thankful for recognizing the real value/worth of things

I am thankful for compassion

I am thankful for good people

I am thankful for being able to say No to what is wrong...e hard sha...and lately i've been saying yes a lot..baby steps

I am thankful that despite scoin scoin (OmDaze i just realized how much i miss NFB! :((...need to re-read that blog meyyyn..shame on him for stopping) i know deep down that everything is going to be okay

I am thankful that i am able to shrug and adapt to whatever situation i find myself in...i am ultra thankful for this ability.very very useful!

I am thankful, really..that out of every messed up situation, a lesson can be learned, a foothold can be created for your climb to where you ought to be

I am thankful for...enlightenment..cuz with it comes the natural ability to see the folly in a lot of the foolishness that people dedicate their lives to.again like Socrates said..there are so many things in this world i don't need...

I am thankful for memories

I am thankful for every day i've lived, every thought i've though, every tear i've shed, every laugh i've let loose...

I am thankful that someday not far away..all will be well with me again...just have to er..regroup, and stop putting it off for tomorrow...

Stay blessed and don't give up...there's no shame if you're down..just don't get too comfortable there..