For He is Gracious and Merciful

So it's been a while...

What's not so terrible is that the long absense is not a reflection of time spent off the track..there were actually periods of being on track...What is bad though, is that those periods, in comparison to the absence, are insignificant.

Even now, as i type, i am not in one of "those" periods...like i was three weeks ago.

Whats most baffling to me, is why on earth i strive off the path when while i'm on it i am filled with such joyl. I see no logic whatsoever..as in, what is my problem?

This is the question i ask each time i have a huge asking for forgiveness and guidance session. I have no answers apart from it being some sort of advanced stupidity on my part...

However! God is Gracious and merciful (random line from a verse by the way). He truly is, because He never gives up on me, never stops speaking to me or looking out for me. It is us who stop listening and black Him out because we know He doesn't approve of whatever wrong thing we want to indulge in.

His forgiveness humbles and embarasses me, i feel sooo unworthy, because over and over again, i am stuck in this cycle and yet He still has patience for me.

*this post is very disjointed by the way, forgive me..i promise subsequent ones will be better*

I really have no words, and no excuse, and sometimes, i am ashamed to even ask for forgiveness, because the scenario in my head is like, "you're apologising for the same damn thing all over again, and each time you go ahead and make the same mistakes"...is it really so hard to stick to what gives me fulfilment in the way nothing else does? why is it so hard? i mean, i don't have to do anything completelly radical, really, it's so straightfoward and yet so complicated...

Truth be told, it is my fault...because He has told me what my problem is. I know what my problem is. he asked me to let go of it, and then we can move to the next stage, because thus far, i am stuck in the area before stage one of reconcilliation. I prayed, He listened. He spoke, i heard. And as much as He wants us to move on already..we can't..because i am too stupid to do what i gotta...i don't even know why..i tried taking the cowards way out and begging Him to just take it away..but i know I have to renounce it on my own..and until i do that, i am just going to be stuck her hopping from one foot to another on the same spot.

Really, honestly, i am as confused in my head as what i have written. bear with me. pray for me because i really really really don't want to be where i am right now...and yet i am so scared that i will let Him down again..like, it's better not to make promises you can't keep...yes?no?

Thanks you guys for not completely giving up on this and prodding me to come back to it!! Now, i'm off to get in that state of mind and ask for forgiveness again, in true prodigal fashion, and this time, hang on for a whole lot longer..