Intro

Before i go into The actual beginning story, i think i have to explain this first.. I have to explain how and why i came to make this blog.

Those of you who read the random Naija blog would remember the big fight i had with my friend. To be honest, i was right proper pissed at the whole thing, i had all this fury and upset pent up inside me. I was so hurt by the unfairness of it all, you know, that whole "after all i've done" mentality.

Since the day we had the fight, there was this little voice somewhere in me going, "just squash it and forgive her and move the hell on". Now see, my brain had that logic down pat. But theres this thing that held me back. Pride. Ego. I wanted her to realize what she had lost and admit it.

See, that voice kept saying, "forgive and move on". I repeated this to myself, over and over again. I had forgiven her, i decided. and yet, everytime i thought about it, i felt that heat in my chest, that anger surfacing, that whole, "who the hell does she think she is? acting like i'm all wrong and refusing to see whats true". Evidently, i hadn't let it go, and my efforts to convince myself by repititon obviously weren't working.

~You guys must note though, that i am not new to apologising when the other party is at fault. That voice has guided me through many years of patiently saying, "i'm sorry, lets just move on". It is the voice that thousands of times gave me the patience to tell my little sister that i'm sorry more than ten times in a row until she stopped "forming".~

Several times though, urged on by that voice, i had almost called her. Something stopped me each time. Pride. I wasn't gonna "stoop". Funny thing is that all the while, i knew i was wrong, i was just being stubborn, refusing to Listen. Refusing to Obey. All the while i knew that this "stooping" as i classified it was what i needed to do, i knew that if i did it, i would be free, my conscience would be clear. Still, i insisted on being stubborn.

Up until last night. Intoxicated by the wedding episode of Girlfriends, i made up a whole speech in my head. One in which i apologised that her feelings got hurt, but she should understand that the apology is not for what i wrote. That i feel the friendship we had, though never perfect, was special in its own way, that i wasn't willing to throw it away just because of some sissy fight. So, like some people drunk-dial, i emotion-dialled her. Yep, i chewed up that pride, and called her, all emotional and crying. She did the whole "er, who is this?" number on me, you know, so i know that she doestn't have my number anymore. I asked if i could call her later on, like free call time (mehn, i didn't have credit!) she said, er okay. I got on my knees and prayed.I was so thankful that i listened. So happy that God gave me the strength to get over that small speedbump of pride..

The funny thing is that i became so scared after that, like, "what have i done?".Shook all the way till one a.m and called her. It rang. She didn't answer.

It didn't bother me. I had done my part. I had swallowed my pride and called her. I had listened, overcome my stubborness and called her.

And how this sob story relates to this blog?

See, i'm not going to explain it here, but i have this complex relationship with God. and truth be told, i hadn't been very close to Him lately, and it bothered me very much. I wasn't, hell i'm still not comfortable with that. There was a time when it was all so good, you know? and then i , well, i stopped Listening. That's what i call it. See, God never stops speaking or reaching out to us or being by our side, it is us who just shut off and stop hearing Him speak to us.

I hadn't listened in a long time. I blocked Him out subcounsciously, guilt not letting me agree to listen. But see, this is what makes the whole thing so beautiful. I tagged the post about her "blessings" among other things. Now, more than ever, i realize that it's not a coincidence. It has been a blessing. It made me Listen, and i am thankful for that in ways that you cannot imagine. God gave me a lesson in Pride. Reminded me that i have no right to it. Reminded me of my one of my favourite Bible verses which says we should do things as though we are doing then for God and not for man. So i don't regret "swallowing my pride", not one bit, because i gained so much in return.

After this whole epispde, i prayed, and did my customary open-the-Bible-randomly-pick-a-verse...This is what turned up

Amos 5:14
Seek Good and not evil, that you may live, and so the Lord, the God of hosts, will be with you.

The verses in the Bible are multi purpose.A verse may be applied to a thousand and one situations. And this one, apart from the obvious, represents to me that in this whole upsetting situation, i shouldn't focus on all the bad things that it holds, but, well, seek out the good and appreciate that.

After that, i just felt like i needed..needed to make this blog. And thus, here it is. I have a lot of writing on this topic. My relationship with God. But it's all handwritten in notebooks. There is a LOT of it. Most people won't believe this if i told them, but that's a whole other story!

Do i need to point out that this isn't going to be easy? I keep muttering to myself, "i need God". I need to get back on track.

P.s i have a LOT to say..more like i feel God has a lot to say to me, and i need to write it down to figure it out.